it seems that my conformity is offending some people, so i'm sorry, it wasn't my intention to typify myself to jumping off a bridge when everybody else does it. i'm not saying i would. i'm just trying to extrapolate the time into a much farther than that single moment on the second every body jumps off the bridge, think aeons after that. i'm sure it would be fun wandering off in this world alone but seriously, alone forever and ever and ever? who wants that?

in some ways, yes i am a conformist, but in many ways, i am a rebel. how many people do you know have been apart from their parents for close to a decade? and haven't seen them for almost 3-4 years? how many people do you know packed up their bags and left the known world to venture forth in the scariest and biggest landmass of them all? how many people do YOU know embrace change and adapt to it so flawlessly that it's almost impossible to tell the origin of that person? i don't see that as being a conformist. it's not really being rebellious but it's a pretty gutsy thing to do, don't you think? so no more calling me meek and weak and typifying me into this subclass of humanoid. you aren't god. and you aren't god's gift to man or womankind.

not to burn anybody, i am just stating the obvious.

on another note, i have figured out that stress isn't something that i need to have in my life. and i think i'm getting better at envisioning a single, less tied down life. if before it was a very scary thought, something happened to me on the train yesterday to school, that puts a jolt of life into my very soul and i start to remember again how fun being single could be. yes, you don't have your daily supply of nookie (as sam would put it), but it's the idea of being free and not tied down to any one person's whims, and not having to conform or adapt or somehow put up a wall in defense of another person. and if treated the right way, it could bring me the joy and happiness that would light up my life and bring me close to being ecstatic again. that part of being single is very attractive right now.

sam posted some very nice properties around KLCC area, he has already planned on the furnitures he wants to bring in to MY condo! :p hehe, silly old sam. it's nice to plan, yeah? realize, however, don't rely on plans. or promised words. because you either can misinterpret the meanings, or the person promising can slyly twist their words to mean something slightly different at a later time. and never ever assume. assumptions, i have learnt, are the worst thing you can do when it involves important matters in life. better get it straightened out from the beginning.

i should rest. i told my boss that i am sick and to tell you the truth, what started out as a tiny white lie is starting to become an amazing truth. cheerio and taa.

i was thinking about how small this world is last nite, when i found out that two of my team members went to the same high school as my boyfriend. i mean, it's just pretty bogus how that worked out. and i have met so many random people in this life time that i knew back in my previous life time and somehow these people have managed to catch up with me and rattle my world. and the interesting part of this discovery was that team member LOVED that high school and is doing absolutely wonderfully... i guess she was just in the exact opposite end as he was. funny how that works out. i thought about his experiences and he keeps saying that people who do well in high schools are conformists. i did well in high school, does that make me a conformist too? i mean, i LOVED high school, those were some of the best years in my life .. being nominated for everything and anything, and being popular, and loved by many, respected by all. i mean, i guess im a conformist. i just dont think being rebellious all the time has any part in this world. i understand that you should be a rebel at some point or another in your lifetime, like i am now about not wanting to go gome to my parents just yet ... but to be a rebel your entire life? how is that going to make you enjoy life and be successful, especially if this entire world seem to be on the brink of conforming to one set standards?

*shrug*

my ex used to tell me that i shouldnt be jumping off the bridge if everybody else jumps.
frankly speaking, i dont think thats a bad advice, but if EVERYBODY jumps off the bridge besides you, that would make your life pretty empty and lonesome wouldnt it? and wouldnt after a couple of days, months, years, watever, of being totally alone in this big horrible world drive you to jumping off the bridge too? so whats the point of holding back?

i don't understand how people LIKE being alone all the time. i guess im just not programmed that way, i guess interaction is key to my life. too bad my other half somehow doesn't get that.

here's a little interesting exercise for all of you . it hasn't been scientifically proven but i thought it's interesting nevertheless.

squeeze tight your right palm and look at the creases that appears from the end, by your little finger. taking away the creases that result from the folds of your palm and fingers, count the deep etch(es) or deep line(s) that appear. According to my mother, those lines represent the number of lovers you have in your life time. the deeper the line, the more you love that person, and if its a deep long etch, you will end up marrying that person. the lighter etch is just another person in your life that was worthy of real love but not worthy of forever love. we are talking distinct etches or lines here, coz those stand out to be more important.

ok, what's freaky about this entire exercise is that, i have two somewhat deep lines. there are other somewhat lighter streaks but those dont count. of the two deep etches, one is really really deep, and pretty long. the other one started deep but then became lighter and it's not as long as the first one. the freaky part about this is that in my entire lifetime, i've only really loved two man. and since i foresee myself getting married some time in the next 5 years, i don't see myself dating that many men until that time. now which of those two lines will make it to the altar, i dont know. i have a feeling that something weird and bogus will come out of this entire situation. it's pretty disconcerting to only see two deep lines. maybe a third one will develop or something. i wonder if that might happen ... =)

ok well enough blabbering i have a shitload of work to do.

so shaz showed me this site, friendsreunited.co.uk, i think, and its basically sorta kinda like a UK version of friendster, except that you have to PAY to receive and send out emails, and to put up pictures, and to post on the board and yada yada yada ... so that part kinda stank, but ... the thing that i am SUPER excited about is the fact that i found almost ALL the people that i grew up with in england, and i know little bits and pieces about their lives ... and it's so freaking awesome to know that, from people you havent heard from in over a decade! i am uber hyped up about this, and am waiting patiently for poncho to reply my email (we, me and shaz, had to guess what his email addy was, and i think we hit the jackpot in guessing, but he still hasnt replied yet, so hopefully it will happen some time soon... )

and as soon as he replies, i am going to use him to get to all the other people that i've lost contact with, seeing that he is mister hathern village and all, and half the people i know live there ...

my ex-ex boyfriend was on the list too .. i wonder what hes doing now and what he is up to and what the heck he looks like .. hopefully he hasnt turned into an ugly wirey thin british boy, like they usually turn out to be .. joanne and sarah both are married (sarah married a TREE surgeon, wtf is that??) and joanne has a baby boy! ahhh .. how freaking WEIRD is that ??? i used to remember sarah, jo and i would strut around limehurst high, with our little friendship bracelets and promising each other that boys are icky and we shall never date them for as long as we shall live .. hehe, oh how stupid was THAT =) it's one of those survival things where you just have to do it whether you fully enjoy it or not .. hehe ...

i think shaz and i will have to make that trip down memory lane some time next year or two... she asked me if i would and i was like, hell yea did you HAVE to ask? i think itd be fun to go back to the place where we both blossomed from awkward infants into somewhat less awkward adolescent. the places that we hung out at, and had lunch and bought candy from old jerry's, walking from the annex to main, and those summers where we stayed in to play SCRABBLE *and learned a bunch of new freaking words that i dont even remember anymore!*, and played the world map, memorizing the capitals of every country .. haha ..

got our first periods, and grew our pairs of boobies ... all happened in england man .. good old england..

i wonder what loughborough looks like now ..

omg omg omg omg omg!

i FORGOT to tell YOU all that we bumped into MARK SUPPELSA, that fox newsbroadcaster on Friday when we were asking for directions to the house of blues!! i was like, fuck it, and asked one of the dudes standing at the traffic light waiting to cross, and when i saw him, i thought i was dreaming coz he looked so familiar, and so i said he looked like mark suppelsa (and yeah, i know who that is and what he looks like coz i watch fox ALL THE FREAKING TIME!) and he was like, thats me! hehehe .. yay i met a "celebrity" and shook hands with him. he looks way better in real life, fitter and younger .. reeooww .. =) hehe

*ahhh*
good ole, lazy, bumming around sunday .. wonderfully awesome breezy, mild, cool, drizzly sunday .. i love rainy days, especially ones that come with the mist or the fog .. it somehow brings out the tranquility of this chaotic world ..

in any case, i was just taking a break from my homeworking and the normal stuff that you do on sundays to catch up with life. and i realized, that i spend A LOT of time doing homework and reading. i mean, seriously thing about it. ever since i was, oh, i dont know, as far back as some time in elementary school, i remember having a million homework set due every single day. and thinking back to those strict chinese school teachers back home, with those really, really thin and scary looking "rattan" sticks, not doing your homework will almost always land you in trouble. one wrong answer gets one smack on the butt. although, my 6th grade teacher came up with the weirdest of ideas to punish us "smarter" kids. i probably should describe to you how this went.

in 6th grade, our home room teacher divided the class into 3 groups. i was in group 1 aka the smartest. and being a group 1 member, every time we did anything in class, be it Maths or Malay, or English, or Science, we CANNOT get any wrong answers on any of those in-class exercises. and i mean, NONE! it was good practise i suppose, for those UPSR times, but man, all the pressure and stress that i had to go through to make sure that i didnt get anything wrong ... and if you got something wrong, depending on what group you are in, you got punished differently. my teacher devised this, really sadistic punishment where the "punished" would stand in front of the classroom, bend down, and she would flip up our pinafore-uniforms for a few brief seconds to display to the entire classroom, our cotton panties. mind you, she probably wouldn't have done that if it wasn't an all girls' elementary school, but still .. you weren't allowed to wear shorts underneath those uniforms either, and if you did, you risk the chance of exposing your bare buttocks when she yanks down the shorts together with your panties .. !

among other things she made us do was to walk like a duck across the school field, AND we had to make it look and SOUND like a real duck, sometimes, we had to do it across the front of other classrooms, which was really, really embarrassing.... other times, she would make us put our arms around the big, huge palm trees outside in the school yard, kissing it ... hehe.. oh the good old days...

why are we talking about this anyway? oh yeah ... homeworking and me spending a LOT of time doing it.

*sigh*

i've been a student since 1985. it is now 2004. that's almost two freaking decades! that is like, 90% of my lifetime. my goodness ... didn't realize i've been at this for a while. i guess when you're that good at it, you just keep on doing it without really thinking about it. i wonder if i will go any further with this whole schooling thing.

ok well enuff rumbling. i gotta get back to my ERDs and DFDs. and try to figure out this stupid normalization thing.

wow
my bf took me to the house of blues to see crystal method in concert, and my-gawd - the entire night was TREMENDOUS! it had started off pretty iffy because i was tired coming home from work and he was tired driving home from being interviewed out in bufu land, and we were both tired from the train ride, and hungry from lack of dinner .. but once we got there, we were chilling ... and to tell you the truth, i cant even really remember half of it coz after a few mike's hard lemonade, i was pretty much buzzing and enjoying myself .. i think i met a few really good looking latina women, and their men-friends, i think someone bought me a drink, can't remember who though (i think it was some guy who tried to pick me up but before he found out i had come with my bf), and then, the fucking music ... omg the music was fucking unbelievable! and the atmosphere, and the people .. everybody was just having fun, including my boy and we both had fun, and his friends came over and had fun, and everybody shouted their names coz they couldnt hear us upon entering the music hall .. the music, the people, the place, the dancing and jumping up and down ... the dancing .. oh i miss the dancing ..

it was freaking awesome ..

i needed that =)

so i was cleaning out my booklet of cds and found in there, some of my old skewl cds that i used to listen to alot to remind me of my parents, of home, of certain times and certain people who have been important (in either negative or positive way) in my life .. like, take for example .. MODERN TALKING .. hehe.. for those who dont know what the heck this is, modern talking is some 80s band that my dad loves, and probably still does and we used to travel from Kuantan to KL listening to these kinds of songs .. visiting mom .. those years of long ago .. he used to make us listen to BONEY M too, and after a few rebellious fights about not wanting to listen to some big haired, big braided group of singing weirdos ... we had to succumb to dad's choice simply because it was his car and he was driving .. so that began the whole journey of into dad's head of sing-a-long songs .. =) it makes me smile every time i listen to the two cds, not because i like them, it's because the songs remind me of simpler times of being loved by only your parents and not having to deal with the outside world.

come to think about it, life really was a whole lot simpler then.. i mean yeah ive had crushes and ive rebelled a lot to get to those crushes (countless myriads of british boys in my early teenhood, regardless) but those crushes and so called "first loves" have no bearing upon the two big ones that i have had in my young adulthood. in fact, the first one i had just before this one, seemed a lot simpler than the one i have now .. i dont know what it is, perhaps the fact that im a certain awkward age and that i have been burned down once, or perhaps that we are living together, makes it feel a whole lot more ... not burdensome, but weighs a whole lot more.e

simpler times of puppy love reminds me of whitney houston songs .. omg .. i used to come home after school (go Limehurst High!) at the age of 13, dream about a certain hazel-eyed, brunette young man by the name of Paul R. and wish he would stop staring at my fair haired best friend, Sarah and concentrate on the more awkward looking, trying to blend in Malaysian girl, who just started school ..

then there was Stuart F., my first "real" boyfriend, age 14. haha, this one is funny .. i had to try going out with him three times before i could settle down with the idea that we are a couple.. it just seemed so wrong, and he was such a scrawny blonde haired, blue eyed, true Aryan boy... i have him to thank for, for the many kissing moves that i have .. haha.. as if i had more than one :p

then there were those hunks that didn't quite look like hunks when they were in junior high but at the end of junior high into middle school, blossomed into the hunkiest of all hunks .. i shared my fantasy and dreams with one of my best friends from england, because we BOTH liked this guy (if you are reading this and recognize who you are, remember those times? when we drooled and fought on who should sit next to him on the bus? hehe) ... the boy in question is no other than Andrew P., also known as PONCHO (dont ask, i dont know)... i remembered in 8th grade, he used to sit across from me in MISSUS MADDOCK's class in Maths, and stare at me and try to get my attention in so many ways .. even Graham said he had a crush on me, but Ponch was such an awkward kid back then.. his hair wasn't properly cut, and he just had a whole lot of baby fat on him still, hehe we used to pinch his love handles to drive him mad ..

.... and THEN ....
come 9th grade, he freaking turned into a HOTTIE .. and not to mention 10th grade in Burleigh Comm. College, he was like, wreaking fermones or sth and all these girls would flock to him, sighing and swooning .. it was kinda cute .. at that time though, i had other crushes already, too many to even list down here .. they were all white boys, needless to say (i think i like my white men, what can i say) .. lets see shall we .. if i listed them all you will die of shock but this is quite fun to reminisce:

1. Paul Rycroft
2. Stuart Freer
3. i think i kinda like Adam Freer too, hehe
4. Andrew Pycroft
5. Mark Adkin
6. Adam Fairweather (more Shazz's thing but he was damned cute)
7. Adam Roper
8. Johnny sth, couldnt remember his last name
9. Lee .. err ... sth he was cute but he became my best friend for a whilee
10. Nikki sth, i just thought he was adorable, but like, about a foot shorter than i was hehe

those are the only ones i remember .. mind you the only one i dated out of all of those crushes was Stuart, for like, 6 months or something, i think, before he dumped me to go after my best friend .. i swear, all the dumpings have been painful for me .. but watever ...

then i came home, and had crushes on a few malay men, but gave up on those and came back to the US to get me another hot white american .. well, after i got me a somewhat decent looking malaysian men who claims to be a chicagoan (hehe just kidding!!! you are oh-so-hot! :p)

ROFL

alrite, time for me to leave this playground and go to another one, that is ASP.NET... *sigh* i wish my prof could speak real english, his sounds too guttural to be understood properly.

*yawn*
man, i am EXHAUSTED ... i have had waay too much drama and stress to thank for, and i think i am about ready to drop and start over again ... but i am feeling a little better, thanks for asking =) still sux, but i suppose i can deal ..

i found out that it was my boss' bday yesterday - the one day that he called me in to work when i wasn't supposed to work .. it was kinda hard to be nice to him when i was wishing to not be there, i mean, seriously, how can he expect me to drop school and work.. for god's sakes, im only an intern who isnt supposed to work more than 20 hours and not even being paid for the extra time that i come in! it's ridiculous .. but i can't be mad at him for too long - he is nice coz he has hooked me up with a big, geeky IT project for the summer with one of the guys down in the basement .. gotta love him for that .. better brush up on my geek-lingo and open up my geek-dictionary (oh wait, i can just ask my bf - thats probably easier)

i am counting on one of my gay friends to pull through with the apartment thing for next year, if i need to move .. i hope that it will happen fine, coz he said he isnt too sure yet .. otherwise im pretty much screwed .. wouldnt know what to do coz i really really dont want to move in with random strangers ...

ok, this blog sux, i am not creative right now .. will chat later.

i hate goodie-goodie (or watever they are called) people who tell me that things will be fine.. if i really thought things were going to be OK, i wouldn't have whined and bitched and complained. i would have smiled happily and moved on with things. and yes, in the greater scheme of things, it will be fine. it will be OK. and what the heck does THAT term mean anyway - it will be "O-K"? who are YOU trying to tell ME that things will be OK based on MY POINT OF VIEW!

argh!!

i may be over dramatizing things, and i may not be one of those "grateful", "unwhiney" people who accept things the way they are - that's because I LIKE to have control over my life, i LIKE to know for certain that things are going to be MY way, I DONT CARE THAT IT ISNT HOW LIFE WORKS, and YES.. i KNOW it will come and haunt me and hurt me because i dont listen to you ...

but for now .. fuck it! i am going to WHINE and BITCH and COMPLAIN my way through ... and when i am done, i will look for the "grateful", "optimistic", "live life, love life" perspective, ok? till then - can it.

all joy has been sucked out of me.. this is it fellas - this is the big change that i have been dreading and it's so close to knocking on my door, and all i want to do is run away.. run far far away into the oblivion, where it's peaceful and happy, everything stays the same way, always. where my comfort and familiar zone doesn't ever need to expand, or shrink, and where my joyfulness doesn't have to dim or be cast away into the long and lonely island of no man's land.

i feel like .. all the happiness in me was sucked out with a vacuum cleaner.

why can't i be looking forward to this change like he is? why can't i just, be ecstatic with the change? why must i feel this way? it's because i am being left behind. while life is going to improve for him, mine is going to stay the same way, MINUS him, so in essence, it's going to be worsen. i am sure i am being all melodramatic about this, and come time, i am sure i will be able to face the rhythm but right now, all i want to do is curl up in a ball while chaining him to my waist, and hide under my blanket, and never come out to face the grimness that is this situation.

how am i going to make it through this week?

omg
my 3 hour class is killing me. i'm sitting in it right now wanting to leave. i miss my baby and am dreading the hw awaiting me...

so today was seemingly ok. so, i have nothing to bitch about really.. well i do, but you've all heard it before ....

i've realized that i need to appreciate more of life and the ppl who surround me, especially those who love me.

oh-no, oh-no, oh-no!

sadness and fear of being alone without my loved one has crept into my heart and the pit of my stomach, and i feel.. well, at a goddamn lost! it's the same feeling that i got a few years back, torturous, slow and painful sadness, and i am feeling somewhat drained out right now. the reality of things that may come to be is starting to sink in, my stomach churns every time i think of the prospects of being without him, and it makes me fear the coming months, and it makes me sad, thinking that this summer i could be without him. what i fear the most is the lost dependency, the simple things that have kept us going for this long, how i am going to miss his smell and his touch, and the easiness of welcoming that hug or that spank, that sparkle in his eyes when he tries to steal kisses and his big, huge warm embrace. how i will miss the buying of toothpaste so we can share it in the bathroom, the meals that we eat together, the nights where we would talk forever before actually falling asleep, ruffling his warm, chest and relishing in the sounds of his soft breathing, and waking up to that beautiful supernova-colored eyes and charming, dimpled smile ...

please don't go .. =(

man, i was so stressed out and frustrated, it made my allergies and sickness come back! i was not able to breathe, eat (everything tasted like chalk), and my eyes started to collect gunk in the tearducts, i can barely see anything. thanks alot for stressing me out!!!!

but that aside, i need to stop being so irrational and emotionally freaked out because it's annoying even myself. i have to just accept things the way they are and make the best of whatever i have left. it is hard to be optimistic in times like these, but i suppose the higher power knows what's best for me, and maybe this might turn out to be a good thing overall. maybe if things go well, it might progress in other directions in my life that i had forgotten to turn towards in the midst of all this chaos. it may just be possible things may get better with distance, who knows.

but like i said, i can't let this get to me. it's not the end of the world, he is right. it was a good journey, great experience, and will always get a special spot in all my special memories box. just like everything else that was a good and interesting experience, even bad ones, get a slot in the memory box. i think i just treasure memories. everything seemingly bad now, may look like flowers in the next few years.

think good thoughts, think good thoughts ..

yea.
i guess i won't have to worry about not being lazy to actually STIMULATE the life changing event. a life changing event will happen without me having to lift a finger. and as hard as i try to stay optimistic about this entire thing, i find it hard to not be real about it. there is no way this is going to last. i can list a few reasons, and you can fill the rest in:

1. even together, nothing feels stabiliized. there is no stabilizer here.
2. what makes you think that being away from each other is going to help with the stability?
3. why would ANYBODY come down 100miles to see someone they don't even care to like? (by this i mean, what incentive do you have, especially being incompatible)
4. even if things go on fine, being apart, what is the point? there is no permanence. i seek permanence. i seek stability. in case you haven't noticed, i'm a big fan of the future. i worry about it. i plan it. my entire present life revolves around what hope i hold on to for the future. if the future thread of hope is gone, why should i hang on to the present? give me a good reason to do it. anything.

i hate to admit it.
this routine was the worst thing i could have gotten used to. it's so bad for me, for everybody. it makes us all forget the bigger picture. and the fact that i had jumped right into it from the beginning, without giving it much thought, made it worse. i should have weighed my options, figured out the difficulties, learned to rationalize that things don't last forever. but i clinged on to my hopes. i was stupid. i think i'll always be stupid when hope comes to play, but man, what a bad time to be making mistakes. again, right as i approach the summer of the year before i graduate. am i seeing a pattern again? am i going to go through another 3 summer months, crying over a broken heart?

please.
no more of that. i cannot take it. i cannot handle it. i've already been broken. once was enough. why do i put myself through this? what path did i choose, that make this all seemingly wrong. this entire picture, this whole situation, doesn't fit anymore. with the advent of impermanence, i seek to stabilize other parts of my life, and i don't see the point anymore. why bother. why linger. why must i stay here anymore?
what is the point - damage is done. now my entire future needs to be repatternized. nothing will ever smell so sweet or feel so clean.

i need to break away. before i go insane.

technology is so fucking cool - i am writing to you from my tiny pocket pc with my linksys network card sticking out of the top, AND i'm IN class (omg, teacher is so freaking hard to understand) =)
yay for technology
so, there's this really annoying asian gurl in class who thinks shes so cute n clever who asks really stupid questions (she's also v. skinny, i am gagging!)
KILL HER (OR shut her up!)

ok, i really need to stop watching the swan. that tv show makes me want to go through bizarre stuff to get to the body i want. i know i will probably chicken out of the liposuction part, but they get personal trainers and dieticians working on their side too - those i can deal with. the lipo part, if it didn't look so gory i may want to try it out ...

*sigh*

oh well - live with it i guess. it's not like i don't go to the gym. i do. and it makes me feel good. but i think gym alone isn't going to be enough. i feel like i should be at a size 2 or 4 before i can make my man (and a sleuth of other people, not naming any names) ecstatic. sad, real sad ..

i think sam's fever and sinus infection spread across the pacific ocean (or atlantic ocean, depending on which direction you go) and landed into my body system .. killing all will to live because i am sooooo siickkkkkk ... !

my outlook on life has improved a little in the past few days. i am beginning to accept many things in life that i never thought i could. and it's been quite trying to do the little adjustments here and there, but i think i can face whatever that may come my way. if i can get through what i went through and have been through in the past few years, i think i should be able to sail right through these next few years.

i hope in the end i will end up in a better place ..

******

R: u see, the only option is to talk to him and ask him to change or u better break up with him
I: i cant ask him too change and im too lazy for a life changing event right now such as a break up
R: so u know the only choice that u have then. accept ur fate or leave. just hope that by the time u realized that u won't be permanently damaged
I: why do i have to do anything right now. im alrady permanently damaged
R: U ARE?
I: i have life and [the situation 2 years ago] to thank for. if you only knew how bad it was, you would understand. i lived life in fear
R: well, u have a very good way of hiding em then. a good façade
I: im usually fine but i get depressed easier now compared to before. before, i dont even remember being depressed. if before, being depressed was not getting an A in my classes, afterwards, it was the fear of men breaking my heart.
R: do u think it's a phase thing?
I: who knows, maybe. what didnt break me, makes me stronger. and i learnt from it
R: well, nice way of saying it. but in the process u might just change
I: oh of course. you cant expect a significant event like that not change you. you just gotta learn from it i spose. and make sure we dont repeat the same mistakes. right now, im not repeating the same mistake.
im just making a new one ....

*******

you know, the more i sit down and think about my relationship-life from past to present, the more i realize how much like shit i've been treated. even though the shit-treating part isn't the ONLY part of my relationships, it's true that the only times you really remember are the times when the one you love(d) so much have hurt you ... i almost wish i had started this blog when i was 21, way back when i deeply hurt and scarred, and i dare say, for life. granted the fact that i am over the boy, and that we are best friends now, the fact of the matter remains - remnants of scars are prevalent in how i deal with myself and how i view myself since then. if before i was a vibrant, extremely optimistic person, perhaps living in an idealistic world, now i am less vibrant, a little more pessimistic (some might call is realistic) and all the idealism seem surrealistic. nothing that good should happen to someone. at least, after the event, i seem to have been thrusted into a world where good things happen to everyone but myself, the undeserving fool who dared to love. it's pretty funny how i still feel that way even with the new boyfriend - but it doesn't feel like i've completely recuperated. i could've .. but i don't think i chose the right person to have depended on so much for support to completely pull myself out of this scarred place (and perhaps because HE too is a scarred and scared puppy himself, the two of us seem to have fallen deep into the vortex of complete dependency of each other, giving up the chance to haul one another out of the trenches of despair)

i don't know where i have gone wrong, which path i seem to have missed and how i ended up not correcting that mistake. maybe it's the hope that this new man in my life can use me as a stepping stool to haul himself out of miserable-dom, hence lifting me up with him too. maybe it's the hope that i can love and live the life i used to live, devoid of pain, anger, bitterness, and cynicism. it's definitely a life experience - and i hate to accept that i have been completely changed by it. in some ways it has made me a better person, in that i don't expect people to do anything for me anymore. yet in some secret way, i had hoped that perhaps with the meeting of new people, some man out there can afford to give me his all, utterly selfishly and dotingly. i don't expect 24-7 doting, but a lot of support, the balancing act of one another, in times of need and in times of yearning, would surface without the begging of it.

alas, i have somehow missed that path and chosen a more prickly thorned life. shouldn't complain - i am loved. but is love alone enough? it's a constant debate going on in my head - can i really sit quietly on love and not expect friendship? if once upon a time i use love and friendship interchangeably, i stand to amend that notion, because you can have love without friendship. and i cry in my sleep, wishing there are ways to fix it, that there are ways that perhaps, i can better myself to fit the description of "friend" to him, or vice versa. it just isn't doable.

and i suppose that alone, is a good enough reason to not live together forever.

it would be a very lonely journey to eternity, otherwise....

my bf got his evo last night. i'm glad the whole ordeal is over - if it hadn't gone the way it went last night, i wouldn't know what to do with him. it would be pretty much your hell advanced class (i'm already learning the basic hell 101 right now, so enough already as it is!)

hmm ..

i just saw fox's new reality show called "the swan" - interesting beauty pageant. the premise of the show is to pick 2 overweight, average/ugly looking women and transform them into skinnier and prettier looking beings. while the idea is kinda, well, grotesque, because the ladies are undergoing all these plastic surgeries and liposuctions and therapies all in one go, in three months nonetheless, i find myself wishing i was one of the contestants. i would LOVE to undergo free lipo and personal training to get up in my shapeliness. i have been wanting to lose weight since, like, oh i dunno, - 14, and now that im 24, i still haven't quite lived up to that goal weight - 115lbs. it's quite hard to get down to that once you've surpassed a certain weight, and by that time you are just glad you aren't putting any more on.

i think i need to take another vow - to get down to at least 120lbs.

*phew*

that is going to be ... a lot of challenge since i get tempted with food all the time! i mean, ok, fine - to get down to that weight isn't too bad coz i'm not too far from it, but still ... it's just so much harder when you aren't depressed, like REALLY depressed.... i lost a lot of lbs when i got dumped from my 4 year boyfriend, and was close to 110lbs. i was crying an entire summer though, on top of not eating and working out relentlessly every day to rid myself of bad memories, and i don't think i want to go through another traumatic experience like that.

oh well - stop sayin' start doin' right =)

you know, i say i am inundated with all these project works and yet i still blog faithfully. what did i tell ya about blogging and praying, this is my way to repent and absolve my sins. i hope god is listening to me via the Internet. hehe. i swear ... if praying was more fun i would do it more often...

anyway, i spoke to a friend of mine who is basically working for two or three companies downtown here, and he is THE IT department for those companies (they're law firms and securities, and know NOTHING about computers) and he makes $75/hr for hooking up networks! i mean seriously - there is SO much money in networking and securities, and i almost wish i had the desire to do more work like that. but alas, i don't like to pretend like i know networking stuff, coz i don't, and i don't like to work on my own, all alone, and what's more to be THE IT department of an entire organization. it's kinda scary, and extremely geeky. i don't know why my boss is trying so hard to save me from the geek-society, coz i am so not one! fine, i'm not your typical dumb-blonde, party-hardy, nor do i LOOK like ms. suave paris "who-has-it-all-worked-out-for-her-now-let's-flaunt-some-legs" hilton (and trust me, our relationship is one of the love-hate kind) - but i sure am NOT one of those "closed-up-stare-at-neon-lights-radiating-from-green-computer-monitors" kind either.

to tell you the truth - i'm not sure if i BELONG to any organization, race, clique, types, etcera etcera.

what i should do is start up a fasha-fan club, cept i think i may be the only member =/ sooo saddd ...
hehe, oh no wait - i think i'll drag my best friend, sam into it, he can be the vice president and we can smoke hashis all night long - aight sammie? =)

i took a vow - i have decided to give up on pessimism and live up more to optimism. i don't care if i am stuck in my lala land and my head will either be up in cloud-99 or down in the sand with those animals that stick their heads in the sand (ostrich is it?) ... i think we all need to escape this world of cruel realities, and enjoy a better, albeit imagined, world up in your head. and i bet you if everybody in this world did that, this world would be a better and happier place.

but since i can't make everybody do it - i am going to do it myself and rally my friends, families, and loved ones to join me - so if the world can't enjoy the happy-zone that i plan to create for myself, i can at least establish a nice, comfort arena, whereby the people i interact with on a daily basis will join me in this vibrant, positive energy!

COME ON GUYS - SIGN MY PETITION IN MY COMMENT BOOK =) !!!

you know what - i know that people say that you get more bitter and cycnical as you get older, but i should really start to realize that it's a pretty pathetic way to live your life. i mean great sarcastic cynicism is allowed up to a certain degree, but i am not going to live my already shortened life pining and worrying about things that may or may not be.

and that includes marriage. as i told my boyfriend last nite how i plan to live the last 5 years of my 20's, i realized how utterly ridiculous i sounded and i can't expect my life to actually turn out that way. i mean seriously - i planned plenty when i was younger, not necessarily keeping tabs or score cards on how well i did or if i achieved those goals, but i still made those plans, and they aren't nearly half way done! what i told my bf last nite was this (in reference to our, or rather, MY dilemma about a certain issue):

a. i want to get engaged around 27
b. i plan to settle down with a husband in a house and a nice job by 28, 29
c. and make babies by 29, 30

ok, a - not gonna happen, and b - i don't even KNOW how i came up with those numbers! i think i am just so ... influenced by the society, or rather, the society that i know of, the culture of women and men getting married around my age. and seriously, you cannot blame me for freaking out and panicking - half my friends who came with me on the same boat in search of wisdom in the American shores, have already settled down with husbands and wives. and the one here, already have TWO kids, and he is the same age as i am! so yeah-pressure on all sides and angles, makes me go crazy, apparently.

you have to understand - i am very maternal. everything i do can be translated into some maternal kinda mannerism and instinct. ok well - maybe not but i have a certain maternal touch inside of me and i don't know why it does this, but every time i am with someone for quite a long time, the instincts tend to surface. whats funny is this: sam gave me the same response after a year and a half or so, and i am getting it again now. it seems like history is repeating itself, so maybe this one will last 4 years too - so i have 3 years to go i spose, if history truly will repeat itself.

to cut story short - i REFUSE to not enjoy life now. i REFUSE to not cherish every moment i get with him. and who knows, maybe i will either realize and fully accept the incompatibilities graciously without making a big deal or maybe i may be surprised with better news. who knows, but that is the key - NOBODY knows. you can only decide and plan and make up timelines and in the end, if you are meant to be, you are.

if i am meant to stay in this country, i will.
if i am meant to go home and rekindle hot love and romance, so be it.

but the point of the matter is this - i love my life. and i love how i have turned out to be a pretty decent person with an exceptional brain capabilities to do really well and excel at what i do. i know how to love passionately, and i know what it's like to be loved. i can ask for more, and i know that i want to keep love forever, but i won't force it and i won't assume it, and i won't expect it.

i resign to fate.

*ad: looking for a guy, about my age, who wants to have babies, and settle down in a nice house somewhere, makes at least $55k, has goals and ambitions, has a great outlook on life, loves chatting with the partner for companionship, is devoted, and spiritual in any way (NOT necessarily religious), and who has an optimistic look in life. guy needs to be thoughtful, funny, intelligent, amazingly good in bed, caring, amazingly good at being a companion, and loves to travel. need to love culture, and need to be sporty, and need to be good with kids.*

sigh

my boyfriend doesn't want me.

this always happens to me - i was promised an event or an outing and it never happens. and almost always, the promised event or outing is planned on either friday or saturday nite, so by the time the event or outing gets cancelled, i end up having nothing else to do, and therefore i get stuck sitting at home doing what, you ask me? homework ... work ... and some other pathetic thing that is not even worth mentioning here.

i give up.

i give up making plans or trying to make plans. because:

a. i don't have anybody to do it with, at least nobody reliable
b. my plans don't seem to fit other people's idea of "fun"
c. even if i MADE plans, and people seem to WANT to do something with me, they will cancel on me last minute anyway, for the stupidest of reasons

so what's the point. i will stop relying on other people for event planning. i hate being so isolated and secluded. i don't even talk to anybody anymore. it feels like i have somehow swirled down some lonesome vortex of abandonment and isolation. against my will, and without my control.

the more i think about it, the less i want to live my days. life makes sense (OR doesn't make sense, depending on how you view it) when you look backwards. too bad you are living forwards.

why-o-why am i affected by pollen and dander, and god knows what else that is seriously bugging my vision, my olfactory senses, and my stupid hearing ... =/ i've been in this country too long, i'm starting to pick up the allergies too ... i wasn't always allergic to the month of april - when i first came here, i wasn't affected by anything. this allergy thing started a few years ago - the first year it happened, my room overlooked some cherry tree with a ton of blossoms, so you can imagine all the pollen THAT tree released in april .. who would've thought that something so pretty can be so deadly .. but that's how everything is these days - you can never trust a pretty looking object. it almost always bites.

anyhow, i went to work today *yes, on saturday* (if you can call it that. work is usually tied to being paid, and hating your boss. in my case, i am not getting paid and i actually like my boss, at least this one) i did my work and while waiting for mike to get done, i passed out on the carpetted floor of one of the office rooms. i must be that tired. i don't know why - it must be the bug or the flu or the allegies, or all of the above.

i have nothing interesting to contribute today - so i'm going now. i need to analyze my work. i'll get back to you on that some time.

peace.

bosses, especially old ones, think that the world revolves around them. they think that since they've elevated themselves to that level of superiority and the graying hair is proof to the world that they are distinguished and wise, they expect everyone to drop everything to cater to their whimsical needs, which aren't even that important. and i think that these old fools need to wake up and smell the coffee with the rest of the world - you ain't that important, you old bag of bones! if we think you've outdone yourself, we WILL take an axe to your wrinkly hands and lop your fingers off to quieten the incessant phone calls to our desks every 10 minutes. and we WILL pull out your droopy tongue and staple it to that memo that you love so dearly ...

sheesh .. what a day!!

you can tell my weekend is off to a good start .. i am glad it's friday, coz i can rest in peace and nobody will be calling me every 10 minutes so that i can adjust a certain someone's posture and wipe a certain someone's nose because that certain someone cannot do it. i know, i should feel a certain amount of compassion but i'm really pissed right now, so i don't care... quadriplegic or not, he has no right to be telling me what to do with my fridays ..

so what did you guys do today?

the human body is remarkably resilient - you could take a pin needle to it and poke it in so many different ways, FEEL the pain either briefly or for a few minutes, and then adapt to the pain and brave a few more pricks .. well, i was poked and pricked today, on the dentist chair, with a collection of pricking metal looking things, and another set of drills and shockers to scare my plaque and deposits away from my wonderfully white teeth ..

--oh_my_gawd--!

and i thought root canal was bad (well actually i didn't .. i had fun watching the dentist drilling a huge gaping hole into my molar tooth, and yanked out all the nerves from inside, then POURED hot wax/gold/ or watever the fuck they poured into that hole, then COVERED it with filling, to be crowned later on .. total cost of root canal and crowning of one tooth - $1400 ... cost of keeping your tooth your own and healthy - PRICELESS!)

why would you put yourself under all this torture and pain?? ok, fine fine, if you didn't go for your check ups every 6 months, like i have failed to do since i am a cheapskate student who would much rather spend $150 on my textbooks than a dentist (and believe me, i did it very, very grudgingly) .... but to cut the story short (coz dentist stories are gross, and i don't know why ANYBODY would want to become a dentist to poke and prick into someone's mouth - maybe just for the pure pleasure of seeing your patient's discomfort, perhaps - and that is pretty sadistic) .... i got my teeth cleaned, x-rayed, and polished until they're completely and utterly "sauber"ishly C-L-E-A-N.

now i have to maintain the cleanliness ...

*flosses*