yea.
i guess i won't have to worry about not being lazy to actually STIMULATE the life changing event. a life changing event will happen without me having to lift a finger. and as hard as i try to stay optimistic about this entire thing, i find it hard to not be real about it. there is no way this is going to last. i can list a few reasons, and you can fill the rest in:
1. even together, nothing feels stabiliized. there is no stabilizer here.
2. what makes you think that being away from each other is going to help with the stability?
3. why would ANYBODY come down 100miles to see someone they don't even care to like? (by this i mean, what incentive do you have, especially being incompatible)
4. even if things go on fine, being apart, what is the point? there is no permanence. i seek permanence. i seek stability. in case you haven't noticed, i'm a big fan of the future. i worry about it. i plan it. my entire present life revolves around what hope i hold on to for the future. if the future thread of hope is gone, why should i hang on to the present? give me a good reason to do it. anything.
i hate to admit it.
this routine was the worst thing i could have gotten used to. it's so bad for me, for everybody. it makes us all forget the bigger picture. and the fact that i had jumped right into it from the beginning, without giving it much thought, made it worse. i should have weighed my options, figured out the difficulties, learned to rationalize that things don't last forever. but i clinged on to my hopes. i was stupid. i think i'll always be stupid when hope comes to play, but man, what a bad time to be making mistakes. again, right as i approach the summer of the year before i graduate. am i seeing a pattern again? am i going to go through another 3 summer months, crying over a broken heart?
please.
no more of that. i cannot take it. i cannot handle it. i've already been broken. once was enough. why do i put myself through this? what path did i choose, that make this all seemingly wrong. this entire picture, this whole situation, doesn't fit anymore. with the advent of impermanence, i seek to stabilize other parts of my life, and i don't see the point anymore. why bother. why linger. why must i stay here anymore?
what is the point - damage is done. now my entire future needs to be repatternized. nothing will ever smell so sweet or feel so clean.
i need to break away. before i go insane.
i guess i won't have to worry about not being lazy to actually STIMULATE the life changing event. a life changing event will happen without me having to lift a finger. and as hard as i try to stay optimistic about this entire thing, i find it hard to not be real about it. there is no way this is going to last. i can list a few reasons, and you can fill the rest in:
1. even together, nothing feels stabiliized. there is no stabilizer here.
2. what makes you think that being away from each other is going to help with the stability?
3. why would ANYBODY come down 100miles to see someone they don't even care to like? (by this i mean, what incentive do you have, especially being incompatible)
4. even if things go on fine, being apart, what is the point? there is no permanence. i seek permanence. i seek stability. in case you haven't noticed, i'm a big fan of the future. i worry about it. i plan it. my entire present life revolves around what hope i hold on to for the future. if the future thread of hope is gone, why should i hang on to the present? give me a good reason to do it. anything.
i hate to admit it.
this routine was the worst thing i could have gotten used to. it's so bad for me, for everybody. it makes us all forget the bigger picture. and the fact that i had jumped right into it from the beginning, without giving it much thought, made it worse. i should have weighed my options, figured out the difficulties, learned to rationalize that things don't last forever. but i clinged on to my hopes. i was stupid. i think i'll always be stupid when hope comes to play, but man, what a bad time to be making mistakes. again, right as i approach the summer of the year before i graduate. am i seeing a pattern again? am i going to go through another 3 summer months, crying over a broken heart?
please.
no more of that. i cannot take it. i cannot handle it. i've already been broken. once was enough. why do i put myself through this? what path did i choose, that make this all seemingly wrong. this entire picture, this whole situation, doesn't fit anymore. with the advent of impermanence, i seek to stabilize other parts of my life, and i don't see the point anymore. why bother. why linger. why must i stay here anymore?
what is the point - damage is done. now my entire future needs to be repatternized. nothing will ever smell so sweet or feel so clean.
i need to break away. before i go insane.
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