you know, the more i sit down and think about my relationship-life from past to present, the more i realize how much like shit i've been treated. even though the shit-treating part isn't the ONLY part of my relationships, it's true that the only times you really remember are the times when the one you love(d) so much have hurt you ... i almost wish i had started this blog when i was 21, way back when i deeply hurt and scarred, and i dare say, for life. granted the fact that i am over the boy, and that we are best friends now, the fact of the matter remains - remnants of scars are prevalent in how i deal with myself and how i view myself since then. if before i was a vibrant, extremely optimistic person, perhaps living in an idealistic world, now i am less vibrant, a little more pessimistic (some might call is realistic) and all the idealism seem surrealistic. nothing that good should happen to someone. at least, after the event, i seem to have been thrusted into a world where good things happen to everyone but myself, the undeserving fool who dared to love. it's pretty funny how i still feel that way even with the new boyfriend - but it doesn't feel like i've completely recuperated. i could've .. but i don't think i chose the right person to have depended on so much for support to completely pull myself out of this scarred place (and perhaps because HE too is a scarred and scared puppy himself, the two of us seem to have fallen deep into the vortex of complete dependency of each other, giving up the chance to haul one another out of the trenches of despair)

i don't know where i have gone wrong, which path i seem to have missed and how i ended up not correcting that mistake. maybe it's the hope that this new man in my life can use me as a stepping stool to haul himself out of miserable-dom, hence lifting me up with him too. maybe it's the hope that i can love and live the life i used to live, devoid of pain, anger, bitterness, and cynicism. it's definitely a life experience - and i hate to accept that i have been completely changed by it. in some ways it has made me a better person, in that i don't expect people to do anything for me anymore. yet in some secret way, i had hoped that perhaps with the meeting of new people, some man out there can afford to give me his all, utterly selfishly and dotingly. i don't expect 24-7 doting, but a lot of support, the balancing act of one another, in times of need and in times of yearning, would surface without the begging of it.

alas, i have somehow missed that path and chosen a more prickly thorned life. shouldn't complain - i am loved. but is love alone enough? it's a constant debate going on in my head - can i really sit quietly on love and not expect friendship? if once upon a time i use love and friendship interchangeably, i stand to amend that notion, because you can have love without friendship. and i cry in my sleep, wishing there are ways to fix it, that there are ways that perhaps, i can better myself to fit the description of "friend" to him, or vice versa. it just isn't doable.

and i suppose that alone, is a good enough reason to not live together forever.

it would be a very lonely journey to eternity, otherwise....