you know what - i know that people say that you get more bitter and cycnical as you get older, but i should really start to realize that it's a pretty pathetic way to live your life. i mean great sarcastic cynicism is allowed up to a certain degree, but i am not going to live my already shortened life pining and worrying about things that may or may not be.
and that includes marriage. as i told my boyfriend last nite how i plan to live the last 5 years of my 20's, i realized how utterly ridiculous i sounded and i can't expect my life to actually turn out that way. i mean seriously - i planned plenty when i was younger, not necessarily keeping tabs or score cards on how well i did or if i achieved those goals, but i still made those plans, and they aren't nearly half way done! what i told my bf last nite was this (in reference to our, or rather, MY dilemma about a certain issue):
a. i want to get engaged around 27
b. i plan to settle down with a husband in a house and a nice job by 28, 29
c. and make babies by 29, 30
ok, a - not gonna happen, and b - i don't even KNOW how i came up with those numbers! i think i am just so ... influenced by the society, or rather, the society that i know of, the culture of women and men getting married around my age. and seriously, you cannot blame me for freaking out and panicking - half my friends who came with me on the same boat in search of wisdom in the American shores, have already settled down with husbands and wives. and the one here, already have TWO kids, and he is the same age as i am! so yeah-pressure on all sides and angles, makes me go crazy, apparently.
you have to understand - i am very maternal. everything i do can be translated into some maternal kinda mannerism and instinct. ok well - maybe not but i have a certain maternal touch inside of me and i don't know why it does this, but every time i am with someone for quite a long time, the instincts tend to surface. whats funny is this: sam gave me the same response after a year and a half or so, and i am getting it again now. it seems like history is repeating itself, so maybe this one will last 4 years too - so i have 3 years to go i spose, if history truly will repeat itself.
to cut story short - i REFUSE to not enjoy life now. i REFUSE to not cherish every moment i get with him. and who knows, maybe i will either realize and fully accept the incompatibilities graciously without making a big deal or maybe i may be surprised with better news. who knows, but that is the key - NOBODY knows. you can only decide and plan and make up timelines and in the end, if you are meant to be, you are.
if i am meant to stay in this country, i will.
if i am meant to go home and rekindle hot love and romance, so be it.
but the point of the matter is this - i love my life. and i love how i have turned out to be a pretty decent person with an exceptional brain capabilities to do really well and excel at what i do. i know how to love passionately, and i know what it's like to be loved. i can ask for more, and i know that i want to keep love forever, but i won't force it and i won't assume it, and i won't expect it.
i resign to fate.
and that includes marriage. as i told my boyfriend last nite how i plan to live the last 5 years of my 20's, i realized how utterly ridiculous i sounded and i can't expect my life to actually turn out that way. i mean seriously - i planned plenty when i was younger, not necessarily keeping tabs or score cards on how well i did or if i achieved those goals, but i still made those plans, and they aren't nearly half way done! what i told my bf last nite was this (in reference to our, or rather, MY dilemma about a certain issue):
a. i want to get engaged around 27
b. i plan to settle down with a husband in a house and a nice job by 28, 29
c. and make babies by 29, 30
ok, a - not gonna happen, and b - i don't even KNOW how i came up with those numbers! i think i am just so ... influenced by the society, or rather, the society that i know of, the culture of women and men getting married around my age. and seriously, you cannot blame me for freaking out and panicking - half my friends who came with me on the same boat in search of wisdom in the American shores, have already settled down with husbands and wives. and the one here, already have TWO kids, and he is the same age as i am! so yeah-pressure on all sides and angles, makes me go crazy, apparently.
you have to understand - i am very maternal. everything i do can be translated into some maternal kinda mannerism and instinct. ok well - maybe not but i have a certain maternal touch inside of me and i don't know why it does this, but every time i am with someone for quite a long time, the instincts tend to surface. whats funny is this: sam gave me the same response after a year and a half or so, and i am getting it again now. it seems like history is repeating itself, so maybe this one will last 4 years too - so i have 3 years to go i spose, if history truly will repeat itself.
to cut story short - i REFUSE to not enjoy life now. i REFUSE to not cherish every moment i get with him. and who knows, maybe i will either realize and fully accept the incompatibilities graciously without making a big deal or maybe i may be surprised with better news. who knows, but that is the key - NOBODY knows. you can only decide and plan and make up timelines and in the end, if you are meant to be, you are.
if i am meant to stay in this country, i will.
if i am meant to go home and rekindle hot love and romance, so be it.
but the point of the matter is this - i love my life. and i love how i have turned out to be a pretty decent person with an exceptional brain capabilities to do really well and excel at what i do. i know how to love passionately, and i know what it's like to be loved. i can ask for more, and i know that i want to keep love forever, but i won't force it and i won't assume it, and i won't expect it.
i resign to fate.
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