i give up - i hate my life .. every time i'm on the verge of something great, something awesome, something that may change the course of my life, i get brutally dumped on the bottom of the sharp-edged rocks on the bottom of the fucking ocean! how cruel can life be - to be tempted by the sweetness of an "almost-freedom", to be given the opportunity to live in this land of the "free", to be handed over the green-card that will allow me to stay in this country and work as hard as every other hard working corporate Americans, if not harder - only to wake up this morning and receive a "NO" phone call by the company i have fallen in love with, and to make things even MORE frustrating - it's not because they don't love me; it's not because they don't think i can make an excellent contribution to their corporate culture ..

why-o-why ...

and to top that off, my not-very-supportive, all-for-bans-on-international-workers-in-the-interest-of-himself was not (surprise, surprise) very supportive .. and i know i shouldn't have brought up the delicate matter of M, but i was depressed and stressed out, and desperateness overcomes common sense - i laid the trap of marriage and of course was very humiliated and disappointed with the outcome and response ..

"no, im not sure"
"i'm sorry, but i don't want to get buyer's remorse"
"i cannot be 100% sure if this is what i want"
"things are going pretty great, but i don't know if i want this permanently"

KILL ME ALREADY!

now, on top of the depressiveness that wallowed me up on this already crappy monday-blues, i had my boyfriend to thank for, for humiliating me, but ultimately it was my own fault of laying out the trap, and catching myself in it.. =/ i know i can't expect my almost-2-year boyfriend to think other than what he always does, but i thought things were looking up and that there may be some promise over that horizon ..

but once again, i am deluded ... about my job, about my relationship, about my life, pretty much about goddamn everything .. you see why i called myself a 'surrealist-idealist'? i don't belong here, this world isn't mine!!! oh save me, the One who belongs with me ..

and so after a trying morning, i walked out to the bank to deposit my pathetic, measly $200 into my bank account, all the way crying to my one support system - one i can trust will be there to always listen and give the right responses .. and it breaks my heart that that support system isn't my boyfriend - i've always been one to want the other half to be everything in my life, but alas, that doesn't happen in this world we live in - so i turned to my best friend of 7 years ...

thank you sam .. i love you always =) you didn't fix the situation for me, but you made it easier to cope with .. the disappointment, the horrors, the horrible time i have had to contend with .. thank you ..

*sleepsintears*