i find that i am more certain about what it is that i want to get out of my career and that i am more confident in presenting myself to prospective employers. in the past year, since i have transitioned from an electrical engineer to an information technologist, found myself actually ENJOYING and LIKING what i learn. the fact that i also have experience to show for at this point in time also made it more possible for me to be more confident about what it is that i want to do. but i think the key to KNOWING what i want to do after this delightful journey would be the fact that i have such great mentors surrounding me and i have been blessed with wonderful experiences of meeting such high level people. so, hooray for me! finally .. about TIME i know what i want to do with my life.

....

anyway, on my way back home from ditching my night class, i got to thinking about some things my mom told me about my aunt and uncle. the four of them sat around, catching up, chit chatting, and yakking on and on about another aunt, circling the subject over and over again, and my mom commented on how my uncle gossiped freely on the topic without regard, whereas had my father been in the picture, he would be the no-nonsense, no-gossipmongering kind of guy who wouldnt be interested in empty talks. in fact, what my father WOULD have done would have been to shake his head in shame (of uncle behaving somewhat femininistic and of worthless topics) and walk out. this is perhaps, why, my father doesnt quite like my aunt and uncle -- and i am sure the feelings are mutual. or perhaps not, but my father is quite the scary, authoritative figure. i remember as a child and even throughout teenhood, my friends have always been quite cautious whenever he was around, and a really noisy room would become quiet when he walks by or through the room. the fact of the matter is that it isnt that he is scary -- it is that he is very confident and stern looking. my father was raised to be very gentlemanly with very traditional views of how the world should work, each mannerism ought to be a machochistic (if not more) as the next. and the more i think about this, the more i realize how unbelievably similar my current boyfriend is to my father. now, whether this is a good thing or a bad thing, i cant quite decide yet.

there are some very disturbing things about dating the man who is quite like your father that i cannot seem to acquiesce to. while i traditionally hate men who are chauvinistic and i DONT think that all women should do a man's bidding (such as clearly displayed by most machochistic men), there is a certain attractive quality about the brazenness and barbarism that a macho-man have that could potentially attract strong women, such as yours truly, to these men, such as the one i am constantly surrounded by. which reminds me of a conversation i had tonight with my friend in iceland:

Bryn: vikings are barbaric
Fasha: there is certainly quality that was portrayed in those [romance] novels i used to read as a growing teen, that attracted me to them tho ..
Bryn: isnt your boyfriend half-viking?
Fasha: yes, he is quite barbaric.. if he could do what cavemen did to cavewomen, he would drag me by the hair and toss me into bed in a second..

it might be because i was raised in such an environment that promotes honest-to-goodness traditional values and roles, but i have my own reasons for liking 'barbarism', so to speak, in my men.

although, after tasting a certain metrosexuality that my ex-boyfriend displayed, i cant deny the fact that i rather like having a boyfriend who liked doing things that i liked (albeit, at times it scared me shitless, knowing that my boyfriend had better taste in clothing that i did!) and to draw out the striking analogy, while my current boyfriend could have been my father, my ex boyfriend could have been my uncle -- sensitive, vain, urban, chic, modern men, who believe that a good closet is as good a mannerism as you can get. if you have ever been so lucky as to experience both types of men, you will understand the dilemma i face in trying to decide which kind i like better =) not comparing or anything like that, i must say, both experiences have been unique.

enough rumbling for now. tonight was a night filled with networking. and networked i did, with top CIOs and COOs from the event last night. leave me a message or two about which kinds of men you would prefer dating: the macho or the metrosexual.

*shrieks times two!*

i rode the elevator with the CIO of the City of Chicago and he said he would like to sit down with me to discuss networking opportunities and to help me with job hunting (of course i just briefly dropped the hint that i am graduating next year) ..

w00t!

*shrieks*

i went to this awesome Women in IT Panel Discussion last night at Egan Urban Center, and met with four really outstanding women who are leaders at what they do. the whole shannanigans of networking was not lost on me, as i am approaching that stage of where i want to go and know exactly what i want to do, which is a big huge step in the right direction to finding that perfect dream job (although, it will probably take more than that first one job offer to get me there since i cant really pick and choose the companies, it all is predetermined with which companies will sponsor me.. a little stifling in potential, but beggars cant be choosers, at least not for now)...

but in any case, one of the panelist was the most helpful person i have ever met, and she was pointing me in all sorts of directions, and making sure that i emailed her and forward my resume so i can be 'exposed' to the eyes of some of the AMEX people that she works with.. who knows, maybe this could lead somewhere.

still doesnt take away my anxiety and freaked-out-ness. but that just comes with the obsessive nature. i am sure things will somehow fall into place, but i cannot take it for granted that it will. gawd, its so hard to be all cool on the exterior when on the inside, all you want to do is freak out and die!

in any case, got lots of networking to do, people to catch up with, job boards to visit, and resumes to send out. not entirely sure how that would work out, but i hope it will catch on to something that will hook. probably should go to some cover letter workshop to come up with that ONE letter that will create waves.

list of things to do.. too bloody long. you get the picture.

hey hey!
you would not believe who i bumped into in the CTI lobby last night .. so i was standing in front of the computer lab with my team mates, when lo and behold this tall hunky man came up to me and hugged me with a big huge grin on his face... it was sorta funny because i was like, erm .. who the heck are you ..turned out that the guy was my friend like northwestern, classmate, same major, same graduation year, the very same guy who told me off for not having a purpose in life and also that i wasnt using my free time to volunteer at places like the homeless shelter and the soup kitchen (yeah, he was a volunteer zealot/freak and thought he could convert me into one too ... lots of BS that did, but we are still friends, heheh .. coz he changed his tune a little after sophomore year)

so yeah, i bumped into matt hayden, and it was awesome just bumping into people you havent seen in ages! i totally LOVE it! i even think we are in the same class next fall, w00t!

in any case, my meeting this morning didnt quite happen. the address i was suppose to go to was in the 700+ block of west jackson boulevard. yours truly, not thinking that it would be a big deal to walk from state street, decided NOT to mapquest the journey and decided to just start from whichever el stop she gets off at. it would have been fine if i was like, an hour early, because by the time i got to the end of the federal reserves bank, which was the 200+ block on west jackson boulevard, i was already sweating in my teensy top and due to really big huge sandals, which were oh so uncomfortable to walk in ... so i looked far into the horizon, where the skies are high and the 700+ block buildings NOT visible to the naked eye..

thought id get there by waiting for a bus ..

WRONG!

there were a myriad of buses going EAST, which was in the OPPOSITE direction i needed to be heading towears, and so i was waiting for another half hour to forty five minutes... finally, i decided to give up because by the time i get there on the bus, if the bus ever comes, it would be 1130, and the meeting would have ended by then.

so watever.

walked back to the office and did some scheming and strategizing. i really am taking after my wonderful boss -- scheming and strategizing is never better when done against the master. mwahahaha!

so this weekend, mike and i are going to try and rally up some people to go with us to dave and busters .. it would be soooooooooooo awesome .. i cant wait, i used to play the house of the dead and if my fingers could have been ANY faster, with the killing and shootings of those dead zombies, it would have been miraculous.. because the speed they were going, i could have created a new record for light speed .. hehe =) cant wait!

*BOLLOCKS!!*

omfg, i totally failed myself, and all love-kind... i FORGOT my own monthliversary, sheesh-louisseeee!! hehe, i was too busy watching random shit and doing random things (and probably taking a whole lot of nappies) that i bypassed the day without a single thought.

shame of me .. *cowers in shame*
terrible fashie, terrible .. tsk tsk tsk .. !

oh well, its not entirely my fault, my other half didnt remember it either so .. i suppose when you reach this late in the relationship, you forget and its not really that important to remember the date you first met/officially start the relationship anyways ... shame tho, i used to celebrate it every month for four years .. hehe, oh those were the young days .. when i actually have the energy to do it. (or rather, mental power to remember it)

i hate my new team. people dont seem to be doing much and i am getting a little antzy. will need to start the analysis up myself and have the boys edit it. gawd, i shoulda known better than working in a team with boys. boys dont do jackshit.

just rewatched love actually, and for a second, made me bawl at all the appropriate scenes. gawd, im such a leak and a mess. movies like these humble me and make me want to believe in an all around loving world. but alas, movies are always made to keep hopes afloat, without actual results.

one point tho, that was realized the second round i watched this movie: the "needing" and "wanting" part. there was this one scene where the secretary flirts with her boss, coyly asking him to buy her a christmas present. and he calls her back, asking "so what it is that you need then? something in the stationary section? a stapler perhaps .. (trying to be sarcastic-funny-flirtatious)".. and the secretary answered.. "I dont want something i need, i want something i want"

for some reason, that part had the teensiest bit of electrical jolt effect on me, perhaps being really close to heart, and a personally favorite subject of mine: the quest on needing and wanting. see, i have always thought that when you are in love, in lust, infatuated etc etc with someone, it is always about needing, so much that you cant bear to be alive without that person. but the scene that keeps replaying in my head, was that one, where the analogous to needing, as a secretary, would be needing a stapler, and stapled to fill it up. analogously, that would convert to, oh, i dont know -- perhaps in the terms of husbands and wives, the husband would provide for the wife with, say, a house or money and what not. and in terms of bf/gf that could translate into bf performing obligated duties to the gf, in hope that he got the right dates properly marked down on his calendar.

but maybe i am going and thinking about it all wrong. perhaps, the term that i should coin this, love/lust/infatuation thing should be "wanting" and not needing. perhaps translated, wanting in lust and infatuation would symbolize the physical cravings and fantasies of living happily ever after, together, and wanting in long-termed, stable relationships could translated into, passion and intense love. wanting might not be too bad of a term to replace needing.

being the obsessive, compulsive, possessive person that i am, needing just made more sense. to need, for me, seem higher in urgency than to want. but maybe in another persons world, the not so obsessive, compulsive, possessive world -- wanting is probably more than likely makes more sense to beat needing on the priority list.

well, i suppose i should start opening up my eyes and seeing things how they really are, and not how they should be. and especially not in the terms i have set for myself because they are apparently too high to live by.

read my post on weltaanschaungen.spoken here

p: lets go to the nu homecoming game
a: no

p: lets go to the taste
a: tak mau, ramai sangat orang, nanti pengsan (literally, seizures)

p: lets go to the bears game
a: tak nak, tak best, lagi best kalau tengok on tv

p: lets go eat out
a: nope. either takde mood or takde duit, but usually takde mood

p: lets go out sometime
a: are you fucking kidding me? i suka duk rumah, youve been with me how long now, takkan tak tau lagi kot? you gilerr?

menyampahnyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

*i arrest my case*

torn
I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn’t be that man I adored
You don’t seem to know, don’t seem to care what your heart is for
But I don’t know him anymore
There’s nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothing’s fine I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn

So I guess the fortune teller’s right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don’t care, I have no luck, I don’t miss it all that much
There’s just so many things that I can’t touch, I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn. torn.

There’s nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothings right, I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I’m ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You’re a little late, I’m already torn

you know, some people just dont know how to appreciate me. so to that person(s), i say:

:fuck you, im sorry i even bothered!:

if you are going to treat me like i dont exist, and then purposely make a comment about treating people properly when they are around you, then you obviously dont think im a person and dont deem me worthy of your time, so why dont i simplify it for you, and shut the fuck for the rest of forever, aight??!!! i am SICK and TIRED of trying.

before i forget, yours truly was featured in the career center newsletter. sent some home to loved ones. if you are loved, you will get to see it.

tribute to the ladies of paseo de laura, oceanside, california

Manisnya Senyumanmu

Ku rasa
Satu dunia sudah mengerti perasaan ku ini
Mengapa oh!
Mengapa takkan kau sedar ku mendamba
Ataupun
Dikau sengaja diam berpura memendam rahsia
Segeralah oh!
Segera ku tahu kau hanya bermain masa

Semakin sering kita bertemu
Semakin terpaut rasa cinta ku
Hari demi hari ku tetap menanti
Namun mula mula langkah pertama

Mata bertentang mata adakah kau terasa
Cinta kian memekar dihati kita
Kau istimewa paling utama yang satu
Betapa manisnya senyuman mu
Debaran penuh makna kelu tidak terkata
Sering kali terjadi bila kau di isi
Namun yang pasti membuat ku jatuh hati
Oh! Manisnya.. Manisnya senyuman mu

Pabila aku terdengar
Lagu cinta ku terkenang kepada mu
Aku merindu oh! merindu
Senyuman mu yang menawan kalbu

Semakin sering kita bertemu
Semakin terpaut hatiku pada mu
Jika kau pun juga rasa ynag ku rasa
Apa yang kau pinta katakan saja

Mata bertentang mata adakah kau terasa
Cinta kian memekar dihati kita
Kau istimewa paling utama yang satu
Betapa manisnya senyuman mu
Debaran penuh makna kelu tidak terkata
Sering kali terjadi bila kau di isi
Namun yang pasti membuat ku jatuh hati
Oh! Manisnya.. Manisnya senyuman mu ....... =)

*gobbles up roti jala and nasi lemak leftovers*
so sorry, bad manners .. *grins*
went to sakinahs little dinner party last night and had roti jala and a myriad of other malaysian food, courtesy of sakinahs mommy (thank you auntie!) and i wish i could have had nasi dagang or perhaps, even briyani, once more.... *mmmmmmmm*

i live to eat ...

in any case, today is FRIDAY *YIPPEE* and i get paid today *double YIPPEE* and i will actually LEAVE the apartment tonight to DO something *woohooo* .. and by leaving i mean out and into another state (albeit wisconsin, but still, another state) drag racing spiel (not me but i will be doing the videotaping of mikes new evo rushing past me at supersonic speed ... mwahahaha) regardless, im just happy to leave evanston for one night. i am sick of this place.

not of this world
You, the thought of you filling my mind, filling my thoughts
Like an ancient secret that refuses to die.
You, completing my memories, completing my soul
Feeding me with the fire that you carry through the ages.
You, a beautiful, singing lark
Flying gracefully across an ocean of skies
You, carrying the torch of familiarity
Offering comfort and seeking approval.
You, callously tossed me aside
Only to forget and gather me back in your arms.
You,
My rogue.
My pirate.
My prince.
You, make me crave, make me obsess.

i think i am obsessed with my boyfriend's physical appearance. i have pictures of him taped to the insides of my diary and any physical picture i get of him, i frame, or i paste it in my diary or stick it in the insides of my wallet flap. i dont really know where the obsession orignated from or how it came to be, but i just came to the conclusion just now, as i stared boringly into the vastness of my cluttered cubicle.

i am not even sure if it's so much him or the fact that i still havent gotten over (and may never get over) the fact that he is such a beautiful specimen and that he is this hunk of a white male in his prime. the thing that really gets me is his smell: the tiniest whiff of it is enough to make my stomach turn into expert gymnasts. i know that i have always relied of smell as key to my attraction to men, but there is something about his smell that reminds of me of the comforting familiarity of the past,present, and future. its funny, how from the first moment i met him, that it has felt new and yet old at the same time. even now, up to this moment, months before we celebrate our second year anniversary, it still feels new, and yet ever so ancient, as if we have been together for so long that it feels very comforting and very familiar.

but back to my obsession. how do i begin. i think part of the reasoning of my obsession could be explained by how intrigued i am with his past life, how he went through all these girlfriends and what he was like back in the days where he was still searching for himself (so to speak) and encountered many a challenges (and came face to face with demons that he created) and yet, the thing that i am still trying to piece together is that his face doesnt reflect the stories that have been told. his face still remains innocent and beautiful, untarnished, and when you see him sleep, you can almost see a pseudo angel lying in bed, without a care for the world or how it began and will end.

there is something about the boyishness of his features, coupled with that scent, that drives me quite literally off my chair (even as we speak now, i find it hard to calm the knots in my stomach) if i were allowed, i would sit and stare at his face all day and smell him up every opportunity i get.

and hence the obsession. *swoons*

if there is an award for being the most cunning intern, i think i will win it. i have learned the nuts and bolts of manipulation, all part of a larger picture to fit in with the strategem deviced by yours truly to get out of administrative works laid down by the boss. and thanks to him, i learned a few tricks or two about lying without flinching, or perhaps, the lie is done so convincingly that even i believe its true (i only learn from the best)

so i decided that ive had enough and left work early. then he calls me and said that hed just received an email with an attachment in it, and needed HELP downloading it and EDITING it. what the hell? can he not do that himself? i dont understand how he gets to be a deputy CIO if he needs help with that. and today, he wanted me to double check this one word document because he didnt think it was a 12pt font roman (it really was in 12pt, he was just viewing it at 140%)!!!!

now, please, someone pull me out of this misery?

my art of wasting at work isnt quite the cubicle-staring that everybody else does. it actually consists of me completing my entity searching in my CASE*tools exercise, and disconnecting my phone line so that my hopeless boss wouldn't call me in to "help" him type up an email. life is good, for two seconds. because when he realizes he cant find me, he calls up my cubicle-neighbor, and have HER call me in. ugh.

i cant wait till august 20.

i have come to a juncture where i need to decide what to do with my housing situation come next leasing year. my heavy heart is saying and telling me to sign the lease with my friend, but i dont want to leave my domain here in evanston. i love this apartment and it feels like a true home to me. i feel comfortable living in this place and i am all settled down and i really really really dont want to move! but i cant stake my chances. who knows when i might get thrown out, knowing my bf, he would up and leave whenever he wants as soon as he finds that one dream job. i dont blame him, i would too if i hated my job as much as he does, but thats still another problem for me in terms of finding housing. i dont mind the whole moving around when it is clear what the variables are. but right now, there are too many unknowns playing the major part in this equation. and i hate it.

i suppose moving into a new place could be somewhat fun. i get to buy new stuff, sorta kinda. who knows. and it would be more appropriate, especially since my family may come down again to see me graduate next year, and it wouldnt bode well if they saw my bf hanging around my side every single waking and sleeping second. and living with gay men could be fun, i suppose. its just that that housing that was offered to me has 6 rooms. i will be getting FIVE roommates. i duno how im gonna handle that, i wont be in control of the entire house. and you all know how anal i can be about clean apartments. im not dianna bad, but i dont like to see dirty underwear all over the floor, and half eaten pizza molding under the couch. nor do i like dust and dirt. i clean so much because it bothers me to feel dust under my feet. i suppose i could wear socks.

but back to the matter at hand.

what to do? the rent will be aproximately $350 ish. cable tv and internet will be shared, so i wont have to pay the entire $200 load. which would be great. hmm. then id have to get a new bed because if mike stays here i sure as heck wont want to move the bed anywhere (i will probably end up staying over here more than there anyways).

so what to doooo, what to dooo... too many variables, too many unknowns. i need to hurry up and find a job and move out already. grow up.

I GOT A NEW CELLPHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

w00T

My New T6376

It was somewhat of an impulse buy.. I mean, yea I looking for phones, then I was disappointed because of the whole frequency bandwidth thing, and then I was thinking of settling with either the Motorola V400 or V600, but hated the design (too fat and chubby for me) .. and i was gonna like, not care about getting a new phone..

until last night, when i looked on phonescoop.com (great site, yo) and found these two phones:

1. My New T6376

2. My "other" phone to be (release date: end of 3rd quarter this year)

so you see .. i may get two phones this year, depending on if ATTWS will be configured to id properly .. mwahhaahah

so, that was good news number one

good news number two:
DENTIST office called me.. there is a $600 check coming in the mail with my name on it and i am ECSTATIC! looks like i didnt have to part with it for too long, which is really nice =)

now, BAD NEWS:

the career center's IT dept need to hire that student intern right away, so i obviously cant do it because im interning with the city .. too bad, had to let it go with very heavy heart, and VERY reluctantly. BLEH!

but hey, two good news and one bad. not too shabby for the monday blues.

HAPPY FATHER"S DAY!!

first off, yay daddy for the father's day celebratory day .. tried calling him but he wasnt there, so what the hey. relayed message through little sister, not sure if she remembers to wish him.

secondly. its already freaking sunday! what the heck!!?@#! i dont wanna go back to work AND school tomorrow =( why cant i take time off to relax man... its been busy busy busy and super busy for weeks, months, years now.. and it wont end .. oh it wont end..

thirdly.
i need to get to the gym somehow this week. i didnt go last week but went biking a few times during the week. not quite enough though, will need to couple that with gymning it up. my membership ended anyways, gotta renew that sometime. wish i wasnt working 9 to 5. how the hell do people working full time get to the gym and work out? its simply not doable -- you are almost always tired after work, why would you want to sweat and exercise more... tsk tsk tsk ..

well i spose you gotta do what you gotta do.

now back to my videoediting.

went to sakinah's graduation day today. great day, great speech and ive come to realize, that its much greater to be a spectator on the day of graduation than to actually take part in it. theres less pressure and you can scream and cheer and be as loud as you want without people thinking youre being weird. when you are down there, on the boardwalk, you cant really scream your heads off. you are "supposed" to be dignified, and you sure as hell cant scream for your self when you go up on the stage to get your diploma -- that would just look sad and pathetic. plus, i remembered when i graduated, i had this looming darkness in front of me; the fact that i was jobless and had no prospects lining up. it made graduation day so very unfunny for me.

today was much better. watching sakinah graduate makes ME feel better about MY graduation two years ago (not sure how the psychology works but it does) and its also great to cheer on a friend getting her degree. we were a company of four, but when her name got called up on the stage, we sure as heck gave a cheering performance worthwhile of the entire stadium =) hehehe... ok maybe a gross exaggeration but we were plenty loud, and lemme repeat myself -- its so much more fun being a spectator!! next time someone graduates, im bringing a honky tonk to blow when theyre being called up.

went to treat mikes dad for a fathers day dinner. reminds me .. i should call MY dad and wish him happy fathers day. i dont even know if they know its fathers day down there. these hallmark holidays arent quite as celebrated as they are here. for good sense too.

i was invited to sheraleens cousins birthday party tonight at zentra. i havent decided if i should go or not, but im already in my jammies and am refusing to think about having to wear skimpy outfit to go clubbing after i stuffed myself full of fiery flautas and a bowl of homemade chips and salsa from chevys... if i feel a little less bloated (which is highly unlikely since my time of the month is bound to knock on the door any moment now) i might go...

in other words .. not a chance am i leaving the domain tonight.. i think im gonna play mikes new gotham racing game instead to see if its any good. i hope jay will sell his gamecube and paraphernalias to me for $150. it will complete our already almost completed console gaming center.

did i ever recommend this read for you:

1. Jennifer Government by Maxx Barry
2. The Confessor by Daniel Silva
3. Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
4. of course all of the books written by Dan Brown (I already have ALL of them, I like him that much)

turned out that there was SOME highlight to my friday work. boss had shiat to do in the morning and failed to tell me until the morning, and even so, did it so badly because he emailed me at my HOME email, which i couldnt access to for the first half of the morning due to crappy beta web interface. when i finally got a hold of it, it was around lunchtime and realized i had to meet with this knowledgable wireless dude at 1pm at OBM. so i did.

it turned out really well. i learned dirty little secrets happening within the city of chicago, and learned some legal terms regarding asset management and cashflow with a certain cable company filing for bankruptcy, and at the same time, figured out what could happen to the cable industry if this and that happened (i cant divulge dirty secrets on here, so i better not else i may actually get into trouble!)

its really interesting to see how the upper management people handle technology talk. i dont know if they actually know what it really means to say all those things they are saying, because when they start talking about fiber bandwidth and wavelengths and downstream/upstream, all I could think about, being the "natural" electrical engineer that i am, are the stupid darn equations that are tied to wavelength and frequency, and that long fiber equations with DWDM and such. the meeting certainly made the equations more interesting.....

omg, this is getting unbelievably ridiculous. i am here and my boss isnt. there is no word as to where he is, i could have sworn that we had a meeting with some high level person in some consulting firm at 10am and lo and behold -- nowhere in sight. i am very tempted to leave work without a trace too. i have NOTHING to do, and am wasting invaluable time. what a load of crap. this is a totally worthless day if you asked me. i should have brought my work out clothes.. at least then, i could have gone to work out and come back and nobody would know!

ok now what do i do??

*tap.tap.tap*

am currently taking a day off from bizarro workland. my entire body feel extremely achey for some reason, alikened to when i would go to the gym and work out like crazy and lift weights with no regard of how i HAVENT stretched. it was that bad, that i didnt even manage to wake up until close to noon today!

i am going to have to part with my wonderful $600 today. i really, really, REALLY dont want to go but i have to. =( mleh. such a terrible thing to do.

so, remember how i freaked out about ending this internship end of this summer because i wont know what will happen in the fall (eeks, without a job, means no MONEY!!) but my friend in the IT dept at depaul said they are looking for student(s) AND my career advisor told me that the career center's technology group is looking for technical people to commit to a one year internship! woooooo .... !! hopefully one (or even both!) of them will work out. *pleeeaaassseee****

ok i have to get ready to go to the dentist office. and then possibly luncheon at mt everest, and then get change to do my boyfriends laundry =) hahahaha..

i am DONE with the el.

on my way home today, the red line decided to stall at the jackson stop for five minutes for no reason. then at the thorndale stop, the el was turned off completely (and yes, we were sitting on the platform, in the dark, hot and humid carriage, AT NIGHT!) for ANOTHER ten minutes because there was damned debris on the tracks at the granville stop ahead of us!

man. i cant take the el anymore. it is the bane of my existence, number two. youve guessed the number one bane, youve heard about it for a few days nonstop now, i should give it a rest for the time being, until something new comes up.

just a little anecdote, however, on how crappy of a manager my boss is. he called a meeting today and not only were people LATE to the meeting (said they had to do this and that and this, and these people were lower level than he is, so its very rude of them to do so), one guy didnt even show up! i just dont think people respect him, and at the same time i feel joy that other people hate him too, i cant help but feel sorry for him. it is very humbling to be asking people to do things for you because you are physically incapable of achieving those daily-taken-for-granted tasks, but its another thing when people just outrightly disrecpect you for being a bad manager BECAUSE of that.

oh well. its not my time to feel extremely apologetic for him. i think he got my message though, and sometimes, my guilty conscience wont stop bugging me ...

if i got paid $90,000 to sit on my ass and shoot the shit politically with all sorts of lawyers and CIOs and CEOs and Chiefs of Staff, i suppose i would do it too. but the problem is -- i DONT!

i only get paid a measly intern wage. i dont WANT to sit around and BS my way into learning things i should be learning about. i fucking hate strategizing when i dont have a solid background in the things that im strategizing about. and my boss shouldnt be doing it either -- he is a fucking blank hole when it comes to technology. yeah, he knows buzzwords, and yeah he could be somewhat of a semi-expert on voice recognition technology and screen readers, because he use those tools, but my god, he doesnt know jack shit otherwise! and i think ive figured it out -- he is just plain lazy. the tools dont quite work as well as havin someone type up his emails and run his errands. its much easier to get someone to do it for him rather than him doing it for himself. that could be said for higher level people tho. the higher you climb up the ladder, the lazier you become.

i suppose i am being given face time. face time is good if you already know shit. but i know crap. i havent graduated to shit yet. i cant be given face time. but what the hey. who cares. who gives a damn, right?

it was kinda funny today. my subconscience must really hate that place over there, so it somehow telepathically unplugged my alarm clock, allowing me an extra hour of sleep, and waking up, realizing i was goin to be an extra hour late.

woops! *sheepish grin

not that it mattered. my boss was TWO hours late to work, so fuck yeah! it didnt impact my day at all. in fact, nothing i did today impacted my day because i did NOTHING with that retard. except for the last hour and he just HAD to come crawling back to get me to email for him. the rest of the day, i used the time to network with people to get a job for the fall, fixed my supafly resume, and talked to some database administrator, who hooked me up with an Oracle 8 reporting form/tool to install on my PC at work. he was also kind enough to walk me through the structure of the database, the reporting tool, and forms, and how it all merges together from a database design and a data model. it was pretty neat. i didnt think you would need all that freakin software to create just one lousy report. i cant wait to learn PL/SQL and then learn how to merge all that i already know to form a report.

apart from that, i got hooked up with a job in the IT dept at depaul for the fall (hopefully), and perhaps i can get research done with one professor (we shall see), and then some.

tomorrow i will lose $600. my stupid insurance still hasnt managed to find its way to the dentist to pay them yet, so i will need to fork out my own money to get it done before they chase after me with a pitchfork.

mleh.

i ...

haaave...

haadddd ...

enOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sICk of my stupid bigot-of-a-RETARD boss!!!

the most recent episode that took place today was something that has sealed his fate in my most blackest of books, one where NOTHING one can do to climb back out of the dankest and dampest of such place. he is probably the ONLY one sitting in there right now. he deserves to be there, alone, with NO personal assistants to wipe off his snotty nose and scratch off the flakes off off his fat ugly face.

yes, readers, you are right. i utterly despise my stupid boss. and this is why.

as you all know, he is a deputy CIO. this means that all he does at work all day is play things politically and yak and talk bullshit until something happens. he know JACK SHIT about technology, CLAIMS he knows somethings, but he really doesnt. that is fine, i know a lot of people who dont know how to even use the mouse of a computer, so thats not a biggie. the PROBLEM is that HE thinks that I should be EXACTLY like him, be a strategist, and not bother about learning anything technical because thats not how the world works.

there has been talk in the department that new projects are cropping up and that i am itching to dip my brainy head into the projects and help out. the lady i spoke to on the elevator up was all happy to hook me up with a project manager to help me get started with the project work. so i thought, ok, before i do this i should run it by my stupid boss to let him know that i am taking initiatives.

so i go in his office, asked him if it was ok with him if i volunteered myself to help out and he said "NO, we dont need to be finding you more activities" and at the time, i had in my hand, his head rest that was taken off from his stupid wheelchair, and was standing behind him, and i had to CONCENTRATE HARD to not WHACK the headrest on the back of his fat bulgy head.

OMFG!

and THEN....
he was like, "you know, i am a strategist and you are a do-er" .. and i said i wouldnt mind if i was a strategist too so long i know and have experience in the technical part of things, and he was like, "well, I dont have technical background, and it doesnt bother me!" ...

that is WHY, you fucking fucker, you are such a TERRIBLE waste of money for the city! you suck! your managerial skill sucks, your motivational skills suck, and you sure as heck shouldnt be in this department if you dont have a technical background!! how you gonna manage a team of technical people when you dont know jack-fucking-shit!

WHY ... would .. ANYONE NOT want to let me work HARDER? i am TAKING initiatives to find MORE work, to help them out, and i was REFUSED???!!!!???!!!@#%$%@$%@%%$@%#$!!

i mean, its NOT like i am DOING anything. i am writing up his fucking emails like his stenographer, i am adjusting his fucking dead feet because he is not "comfortable", i have to lean him slightly to the left so he can move retardedly on his retard wheelchair, i help him blow his nose, i run errands for him ....

i wasnt HIRED to be his fucking personal assistant. i was hired to be a BUSINESS ANALYST intern, and WHAT am i doing??!!@#!!!

i cannot WAIT to get out of his fucking office. at this rate, i dont even care if he doesnt hook me up with a job after i graduate. because he knows JACK SHIT people in the tech area, and he would probably get me hired on to be his PA.

can SOMEONE KILL him for me!!!

hehe, you know what i just realized from my lazy sunday yesterday.. mike and i played the sims bustin out religiously on the ps2 from 330pm to 1210am!! thats over 8 hours of our day, it is more than the average working time for one day, and its really kinda funny! =) its such a cool game tho, you should all try it!

ok, it is that time guys -- where i need to decide what to do with my living situation. still dont know if my bf is going to move out to rockford, now my friend just put out in the open about his 6 bedroom house that will be up for rent, and then there might be a possibility to move to lombard/wheaton area?

seriously guys -- everything is so up in the air its making me pretty antzy and frumpy! i cant deal with this right now. not with full time work and full time school and full time work hunting for next year .. PLUS full time looking for a job for school next academic year. i am already bummed with the research leads ive gotten from the professors i met with -- they both dont have grant money to go around and i sure as hell need money.

ffffuuuuucccckkkk!!! ..

so, very very sad.

i researched into the whole GSM and ATTWS and the sim card, and found out that i cannot just get an unlocked GSM phone, i need to make sure that the phones run on 800/1900 since apparently ATTWS is focusing on the 850 right now. and of course, the phones that i like (the sony ericsson z200 and motorola v690) are NOT on the 850 one (they have 1900 but i dont think itd be enough) so i have been reduced to a motorola v400, which is not worth the price if bought without signing on to a new plan. the other option i have right now is the nokia 7200, which hasnt been tested in this country yet, so the price is over 400$ and the worthiness is in the dark. therefore, i have been reduced to not getting a cell phone until either i convince myself that it is worth paying $200+ for that v400, or just wait until the nokia 7200 has been tested on this side of the world. looks like i am stuck with my absolutely crappy siemens c56 (i hate this phone so much -- you have NO Idea!)

but watever. i suppose i can now save more money to buy that new computer that i need, which is another huge investment, but am unsure when i will be committing to that. at this moment in time, i need a new AC. its so HOT in the apartment, that one lousy inbuilt AC is not enough to cool down two very hot and horny mammals .. heheh =)

well, this is just .. fucKING .. GREAT!!!

none of the site where i want to buy my new motorola v690 is accredited at the better business bureau and i dont want to risk spending $400 if the phone doesnt work. this bloody blows and sucks fucking bollocks!! ugh.

i hate my fucking life. everything just fucking sucks.

*stretches lazily in bed*
ive been doing that all day - lie in bed, napping like the part-cat that i am, relishing the bummingness that is this weekend .. come monday, i am going to miss this bummingness, seeing that i will be working full time and going to school twice a week, three hours each day .. =( the life of a busy person with high ambitions ... tsk tsk..

anyhoo, did nothing today, which was sorta nice in of itself but the 'antziness of needing to do something' personality could not be qualmed, so i had to reinvent things to do around the house, which includes renting the sims bustin out. it takes time to play games and i am just too goddamn lazy to do even that. oii.. wonder whats going on tomorrow, perhaps i can be persuaded to DO Something, but we shall see... i wish there were things to do at home that would satiate this antziness. if mike actually talked to me, i wouldnt care too much but he does his own things and the lack of interaction makes me feel like im doing nothing. i need to find something else to keep me occupied. i suppose this would have to do for now, while i wait out the time to start yet another busy summer.

i am in the process of trying to figure out which phone to get to replace my crappy siemens (free) phone. i cant decide if i should get a camera phone or just go with something that looks nice (obviously gsm and colored) .. but which one? any suggestions anyone?

MOST RECENT MOVIES WATCHED
1. The Chronicles of Riddick :: Fasha says: mleh, so-so
2. Harry Potter 3 :: Fasha says: could have been better with the storyline, a little choppy and missed a few points but it was way better than the first two ..
3. The Day After Tomorrow :: Fasha says: dude, you know the plot is going to suck, so it's your fault if you went there with high hopes it was going to win the friggin' oscars! i liked it because of the bad science and the great effects -- should definitely be downgraded to the Sci-Fi channel in the near future (to match the 10.5 on NBC)
4. Shrek 2 :: Fasha says: LOVED IT! i especially loved puss in boots .. what a cute cat.

MOVIES TO WATCH SOON
1. The Stepford Wives
2. iRobot
3. Spiderman2
4. The Bourne Supremacy
5. Alien vs Predator (brrrr..)

told you youd hear from me again today! =)

looking and feeling good today. got a few complimentary whistles as i walked down state street downtown chicago, which makes me feel very beautiful =) days like these are always good to remember and always good to encourage me to go further with my quest of losing everything i have on my body such that i too will fall through the cracks on the floor, just like fiona apple .. maybe then i can attract more hungry males' attentions, to boost my somewhat deflated ego.

in any case, i cant remember if i got jipped out of my paycheck or not. i coulda sworn i put in more than 67 hours but that was the only amount that showed up, hence the paycheck was a few hundred dollars short. maybe i was thinking about this coming paycheck, and maybe i really should stop thinking about money so much and let it come to me. being materialistic and money-driven has a downfall - you get too caught up with little things like these.

seeing that i am off today and i have gone on to do my errands, i am going to be a good girlfriend and clean up the apartment until it is somewhat spotless clean. my quest on bettering this apartment would probably not take off as well as i would like to, because i lack certain amenities and tools to do so, but hey, i suppose i can make do with what i have and do the basics of cleaning. i have my mom to thank for, for this cleaning skill that i possess, because she makes me clean her house when i was growing up. every day and every weekend, she would be screaming at me constantly, something about picking up a broom and sweeping off the dust from the floorings. oh, those good old days of servitude to your parents ...

alrite well, i am gonna take a break from yappering, at this rate you will probably see more of me today... or not, we shall see.

YES!! i am DONE!!!
oo0oo00oohhh-freakin'-yeahhhhhhh ....
i finished my wonderful database final, submitted it and can now breathe in relief ... however, my summer class starts immediately after this weekend, so i got three, four days to party hard before having to start cramming again, and it will be a terrible cram because the sessions are only five weeks long each.

went to the clinic to get checked out. i hate pap-smears. the probing and poking is very uncomfortable and the scraping and ph checking of your most private areas... im glad it only happens once a year. the doctor thought she was treating a 17 year old when she walked into the examination area and saw me sitting there, wrapped in a big napkin (yea, they are so cheap, instead of a robe, i get paper towels).. 17 is probably the youngest age i have received so far. usually, i get the 'you look young' look, but did i tell, this one time, on the el, some high, drunken guy thought i looked like my friend's mother (and my friend is like, 30 years old) .. hehe. that was kinda funny, too funny to be insulted. but whatever man. age is only a number, mwahahaha...

ten men i want to do:

• 1. hugh jackman


• 2. brad pitt


• 3. rodrigo santoro


• 4. collin farrel


• 5. i guess i would do orlando bloom, like, do his hair or something..


• 6. .....

do you know how SAD this is? i cant think of ANY famous men that i wanna do .. i bet you i can list ten times more famous WOMEN that id like to have a lesbian action with. what is WRONG with me??!!!

... "fiona apple is GORGEOUS!"

err ...
i dont even KNOW how to comment to that! there used to be jokes made about her, how she is too freaking skinny, bordering anorexia, that if she turned sideways, she would literally fall through the cracks on the flooring ... and if she got voted to be in the top 100 sexiest artists (and thank GOD she was like in the bottom 90s), i suppose i am happy .. but to CLAIM she is GORGEOUS?!??!!

*shakes head*

i duno, i think the world is coming to an end.. before long now, we will be voting for girls that can barely hold up a tank top for the lack of flesh (oh wait! that's ALREADY happening!)... but hey, if you like skin and bones, thats your prerogative, not mine. now, if you said NATALIE IMBRUGLIA is gorgeous, i would pant WITH you ;) i have a thing for britney spears though, her body is to die for ... *drools* .. or, or, have you SEEN paulina rubio?! shes like, a better looking version of penelope cruz, like, HOLY MOTHER OF GOD HOT!! rarrrrr .....

holy shit, they nominated the lead singer from red hot chilli peppers to be one of the top 100 sexiest artists ... err?!?? *continues watching*

on another note, i am lazzyyy ... i was supposed to go down to the city to pick up my check, then go to the dentist office to pay off the stupid $600 that isn't even supposed to come out of my own bank account, and then go for a womanly annual check up.. but seeing how nice and dark it is out there, i have developed a 'i-wanna-stay-at-home' syndrome and watch VH1 .. well, i'm also working on my database take home final right now, so i can use that as a formal excuse to not go anywhere but to my womanly annual checkup.

it seems like the pop culture is beginning to fall for the geek/nerd imageries, and you know .... i have had crushes on geeks waaayyy long before the fad took place. they should have just talked to me to begin with - i would have set them straight!

"i fulfilled one of his fantasies .... "
"what did you do? put a strap on and did him from behind???!!!"...

hahahahahahahahaha!!! omg omg omg .. i LOVE Ian and Lisa! we make such a good threesome ..

".. yeah, how's about I put on a strap on, do YOU from behind ...."
"haha, then I watch you guys and masturbate .. hehehehe!!!"

we were in penang, the restaurant with great roti canai's and chicken satays, having THESE kinds of conversations and i almost fell over, laughing with tears in my eyes .. it was too freakin' much! but oh-my-god, i needed that after a mind boggling final, that almost took my shoulders out from the bending over too much. we match so well, our chemistry and our interaction with each other, that it would be a shame to end it with the end of this class .. so i think we will keep in touch more after this quarter, with future roadtrips, hanging outs, and ski adventures in store! wooooo .... let's go guys!!! let's shake some bootays and fall off our snowboards some time this year!! =)

i was unceremoniously dumped in the middle of an application that i didnt know about, and was expected to fix a bug by the end of the day! and whats even worse, i was told about to fix it by the end of the day, and my stupid fucking ill communicating boss didnt tell me about it until 4pm! i had class at 530pm .. that left me one hour and about 20 mins to find out where the problem is, figure out where the application is, find the DBA so i can get access to the fucking database, and then export the data out so that i wont accidentally make changes without meaning to (i need to practise! i dont even know how to work the oracle forms properly!!!) ... my boss expected everybody to drop everything to fix this bug -- he shoulda told us about it earlier on today and instead he wasted three hours mulling over this stupid strategy with the consumer services department regarding some freaking move with the commissioner over there ...

i HATE this place ..!! the more i am there, the more cancerous it becomes! everybody is so slow .. and NOBODY knows how to communicate properly, and when asked one thing i was given ten different answers and pointed to in fifty different directions!

thank god i am cute and i can bat and wink my eyelashes to get someone to finish it for me by tomorrow (and yeah, i cant go to work tomorrow to finish it up because i have finals all freaking day long!!)

.. then i run all the way from work to school coz i was late for my DB class and when i get there, my stupid professor is soooo incompetent, that he cant answer simple DB questions his students posed for him! i mean, dude! what IS With people today! a sleuth of incompetencies .. i swear, one of these days i am going to bomb this entire damn city!

i am gonna move to nebraska.. or alabama ... there ..

what makes one a pathological liar? is it that something happens in ones lifetime that made one realize that life wouldnt be right without making up a tiny white lie to embellish the truth or make it seemingly right? we used to hate this one girlfriend of one of our good friend because she was seemingly pathologically lying about certain issues regarding their relationship .. we were convinced that she made those stories up to thumb him down under her evil, tiny little fingers so he wouldnt go sniffling around some other girl.. the whole concept of pathologically lying just seemed so wrong to serve such a normal purpose - survival of the fittest ... you say what you can to keep certain things and if you say it often with enough conviction, even you believe it.

now, i am not trying to say that i am a pathological liar, but i cant deny in saying that i have developed a rather alarming habit of thinking up stories to amend to certain situations when the reality doesnt seem fitting. it isnt a story that is too far from the truth - it just has embellishments to make it more attractive or more believable than a simple explanation. these days, i find myself making up stories to solve situations rather than fess up and acknowledge that they cant be solved that simply. it doesnt even have to be problems. sometimes, i just come up with answers or explanations or stories that seems more fitting and i dont even blink an eye to do it. it just comes out naturally. and sometimes, i forget what is reality and what is make believe. and i think it has come to a point where i need to stop this really bad habit forming story making before it hurts me.

sometimes, these lies come to make ME feel better, and since truthfully, i feel better when other people acknowledge the fact that made me feel better, i have to cascade the knowledge down to the people around me. i dont do it all the time, but it wont really be reality if its made up and if i was the only one who knew about it. after all, it would be pretty pointless to make it up in the first place. but see, the making up of these stories are quite effortless. its pretty damn scary.

what is it about this lifetime that makes me want to hide behind such an intricate embroidered carpet of lies? what is it about this reality that makes me want to surround myself with a wall, a buffer zone of comfort?

sometimes, i cant believe i am here. sometimes, i wonder if this was the path that was meant for me. sometimes, i want to escape and live another parallel life in another dimension. sometimes, i just wish that THIS lifetime wasnt so complicated.

there is something about nutella on bread that is extremely good that makes me wanna eat it more than i really should .. that creamy, chocolatey taste, blending hazelnuts with a hint of cocoa .. it's a whole new experience with each bite and each lick of the spoon. mmmmm ... makes you forget your troubles for a while ...

in any case, my little sister is soooo unbelievably cute. she started her own website and now, she started her own blog too!! haha, its really adorable .. its like, mini me..following her big sister's footsteps (well, she doesnt wanna be an engineer/IS professional, she wants to be a doctor.. so.. theres a little difference..)

i was talking to my dad last night about the three kids growing up .. it must be a pretty awful, harsh reality for him to now have his second born going to college and in less than two years time, the last one will follow suit too in the journey of biggening the brains .. but he has to be proud of us - he has one engineer/IS professional embarking on the working world and experiencing corporate America, one architect in the makings, and one aspiring doctor. i would be proud too if i were him.. and i am proud of my siblings .. they are great and intelligent kids and i cant wait to see them succeed and to hear stories about their college lives so i can chirp in and tell them how i experienced it ...

hurry up and grow up my little sister! so i can start showering you with random crap advice about how to fool your professor into ditching class coz you got a terrible stomach ache that result in diarrhea ... heheh!

i was bad .. bad bad bad bad BAD!! i was really upset about having to pay my stupid dentist $600 first coz my stupid insurance company hasn't sent a check yet to them and it has been four freaking months now ... so i had to suffer the wrath of having to fork $600 of my own, so i went on a shopping rampage!!! B-A-D! fasha, B-A-D!!

i couldnt help it, i was waiting for a friend to come with me to my celebration of excellence ceremony award (yes, i got a certificate for be absolutely great, thank you very much) and while waiting, i was walking from shop to shop, and lo and behold, of course i tried stuff on and of course i liked some of the things i tried on ... maaaannn ... there goes the whole resolution to not freaking spend for the next year or two... i am TERRIBLE!!

thats alrite, my next paycheck on june 10th will be $840 and then in two weeks, another $840, and another $840, but then the fucking IRS takes my money from me and i will only be left with $600+ .... boooo ... thats alrite, JPA will pay me again at the end of july, and i suppose i can wait until the end of july to receive more than a grand of money ... but then, oh man i hope that i dont have to move out of this apartment and have to pay like, $600 rent on my own .. that would totally blow =(

but anyhoo ...

i need to lose weight. i think ive lost a good 5lbs or so, and i need to lose another 5 or 10lbs ... *crosses fingers*

summer time coming up, gotta look good right .. =)

aww ...

i was on the phone with my little sister earlier on today and taught her how to create a mini webpage using microsoft front page ... how cuuutee!!! i was explaining to her about domain names and html, and what ftp is, and how to create webpages that dont suck, and it was sooooooo cuute .. hehe, awww *pat pat*

i cant wait to teach her everything i know, she is going to be such a cute web designer .. i need to write up a simple instruction booklet so she can make websites cuter ...

ok well i gotta take an assessment test now, and then off to some dept for a web dev. internship ... in my gym clothes, thats how lax it is .. haha

i cant believe how lucky i am! i managed to rekindle old friendship from a decade ago, with the friends i grew up with while i was in england .. it is SOOO UNBELIEVABLY COOL!! first i got in touch with ponch, and then joanne found me on friends reunited and managed to find me on friendster, and THEN RICHARD found me on friendster!! it is SO FUCKING COOL!! and now, through these people, i can find my ex ex boyfriends, and ex best friends, and all the old friends that i hadnt spoken to in a million years and start gossipping for years and years and years .. ive already received my first bit of juicy gossip (something about an old friend going to prison for doing really bad stuff ... tsk tsk ..) and my ex ex bf ending up with like, an overly possessive girlfriend, mwahahaha, serves him right for dumping me for my best friend, hehe ...

wow ... i need to dig dirt and starting shooting off some of my own, but its not as much fun as learning about THEIR dirt, since I left everybody behind, and gossip work much better when there are more of you .. hehe ...

*phew*

anyways, i think i am DONE with my stupid internship and my stupid boss .. all i did today was write his emails for him, and even personal ones regarding cubs games and how they suck for losing .. i mean, geesh, please, someone, PLEASE use MY BRAIN! i ended up designing a layout and content managing my ASP.NET web development project for my final ... it is going to SUCK COCK i tell ya, it is goin to suck cock ..

oh wait, I am goin to suck cock .. haha (pardon the punt, lucky someone ;))

hehe, guess where i am =) far right, girl in the greenish/whiteish sweater is joanne, my best friend, and the guy up front in the red is another good friend, graham .. we were all 13/14 years old .. awwww ..  

and this one, was the very very first boy who kissed me (not very exciting, it was only a peck and not a snog/wet kiss hehe) ... name is paul .. hahahah =) 

omg -- check this one out guys -- my very very very first love .. hahahahahaha ... his name is stuart =)