Here is the manmade lake I was talking about, and wooded area yonder (in the background ..) kinda creepy at night ..  

New picture from this weekend, up in the cabins in the middle of the woods somewhere ... 

*Awwwww ... Duke is soooooo saaaadd coz nobody fed him ... =( 

to those of you who were looking for me this past weekend -- im sorry i sorta left and didnt leave notice .. i totally forgot! heheh .. mike took me to some cabin out in the middle of nowhere in wisconsin .. some friend of his has a 5 bedroom cabin with a real nice manmade pond and fishies swimming inside .. real cute .. bonfire was real nice too .. cant speak too much about the company though .. im not a big fan of ugly, fat people who talk about cars and computers 24-7 and make jokes off off something they found on the internet .. nor am i interested with the collection of girls that were present .. they were either very, "homey" coz they are married, or unbelievably "slutty/ditsy" ... lately, i have found it really hard to keep an interest in things that other people around me do .. like, i find car things boring, computer talk gibberish, game/board/poker playing stupid, random hanging out a waste of time ... i dont know what is wrong with me, but all the free time i have i seem to not care about hanging out or doing things most people consider a "hobby" .. instead, i find myself thinking about how to advance myself in life/career/studies .. its pretty sad ..

so anyways, i kinda hung out on my own and enjoyed resting my brain, after a week of torturous pain and relentless stress .. the bonfire is very very hypnotizing and it makes you think and realize horrible things about yourself and/or your life (thats how i realized that i couldnt care less about the people around me or the things they do that is sposedly fun) weather WHILE we were there was fine, but it was pouring like cows and buffaloes all day today, kinda reminds me of home and monsoon season, when i would sit in my balcony, staring out at the lightning and listening to the thunder, savoring the cooler, milder weather ...

speaking of home..

my brother starts college today! he has opted for the matriculation course, and will be going on to an architectural degree in a year.. when asked why he doesnt want to do engineering, he said "engineering degree is a sell out degree, everybodys doing it and he wants to be different!"

haha, oh good old brother .. his nonchalance and indifference to whichever college he goes to and whatever path he takes is very alarming, and unnerving! instead of him worrying about his future, i ended up having to do it for him since he obviously is too cool to worry .. glad he has paved his way fine, now all we gotta do is wait and see how he dose =)

happy 50th to my mom, first of all!! wow, can't believe she turned 50 and even more freakily, i will be turning 25 not too long from now ... ahhhhh!!!! kinda creepy ... *brr*
the coming of age is just not very attractive right now, and the more i think about it, the less attractive it becomes, but heck, watever .. plenty of time to live my dreams of becoming a harlot extraordinaire ..

secondly .. i got a $10 magazine from some guy sitting next to me on the el .. it was kinda funny how it happened .. i was on my way to the gym and this dude (who smelled of flowers or some kinda really gorgeous smelling musk) sat next to me .. he aint all that cute to look at, but he sure dressed nice and im pretty sure he is gay too, but what do i know .. i aint gay .. but anyways, he had this really cool looking magazine with him that he set on an empty seat in front of us .. i didnt think much of it at first because it was just a magazine and it had a tomboyish kiersten dunst on the cover .. THEN, i looked at the title of the magazine (it's called "dazed and confused") and you see, one of my friends nickname is "dazed and confused" (ok granted she changes it every so often, but i have come to remember her with this nickname) so that caught my attention, and i asked this guy if this magazine was local or not ..

now .. being the fact that he looked good, smelled good, and carried a european-esque magazine around like that, i was half expecting a british accent to pop out of his thin delicate mouth, but all i heard was a flaming (excuse my gay) american accent, and i almost laughed my head off .. and what's even funnier, he said he just came out of the navy (hehe, boy the navy sure did this one wrong) and bought the magazine to read on the train back home, and since he has had it with him for two entire days, i can have it ..

haha, i didnt really want it, really, but i took it anyways, since otherwise i wouldve laughed my head off and he wouldve wondered why .. thank god the next stop was fullerton, so off i went, grinning like a cheshire cat ..

one good thing -- the magazine smells like that musk he wore, so my entire way to and from the gym, i smelt somewhat nice (altho, combined with my sweat from an arduous work out, i doubt the flowery smell wouldve done me any good)....

that was my spiele for the day .. now i need to get back to my SQL querying on my Oracle9i database......

*sigh*

... and the AMERICAN IDOL issss ....





FANTASIAAAA BERRINNNOOOOOOOO!!!! woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


gooooooooooo TASIAAAAAA and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it never fails to amaze me how differently men and women think, act and respond to different situations. i was watching that 70's show today (and yes, yet another rerun and god knows how i managed to miss this part last time, or not give it that much thought) .. and it's the one where jackie's dad was sent to jail and she didn't get the right comfort from hyde - well eric told hyde to give jackie space whereas donna told hyde to console her and talk to her ... and then eric said "well, if jackie jumps out of the plane, he should go to her and jump out too?", to which donna said "at least they will be together!"

haha .. funny how true that is, and we don't really realize the mechanism that drives men's and women's instincts. while men are very territorial about their space and cave-like in their nature, women are very, obsessed with togetherness and peace-loving ideals.

mom used to tell me that if i ever find myself in a situation where an argument is taking place, the key thing to do is to not push the guy as he "retreats" into his cave. of course, i never ever listen to her and push the matter further until the poor guy wouldn't want to see or talk to me for a while .. (it's not like she practices what she preaches anyways, i think my mom is even worse than i am) sometimes, i wonder why god would make two very different types of people compatible for mating and life. it just makes no sense. i guess it keeps things interesting.

i used to get these bouts of .. weird states when i would see all men and women as one sex, or as no sex, as in, i am the same as the next man, who is the same as the next woman kinda spiele. as in, the key physical difference between men and women just don't exist and we are one of the same kind. kinda like mannequins in the "down there" part =) i duno why it comes and goes like that, these bouts, but whenever it happens, for a brief second, it feels nice to not feel inferior or intimidated or so aware of the gap that lies between men and women. i think one can sit and analyze the men and women in this world for an eternity and the so called pattern that they think they have uncovered to define them would not even begin to describe the tiniest bit of truth that lies herein the nature of these beasts. that pattern changes with time and with time, more complex behavioral patterns emerge and you are stuck analyzing a whole new set for a whole new generation.

oh, men and women ... what wouldn't i do to not be either one of you =)

in any case, brief update of this wonderful harlot in training:-

1. i have been invited to some celebration of excellent (apparently im receiving an award for either winning a scholarship/research competitions and for my service to the school as leaders of student organization) not sure which, im guessing the latter

2. my internship with the city ends end of this summer because i have used up all my CPT and am not allowed to continue with it unless i sign up with OPT and i really dont want to do that

3. there might be a possibility for a research internship for me in the fall (depending on the professor that i approach, i could get myself into some really awesome work!)

4. i was approached by some company in kansas city to work as a java developer (and i duno if i want it or not)

5. i realize that i really shouldnt be babbling on here any longer since i have a lot of work to do and a multitude of presentations to work on... so ciao for now

maaannn, how can ANYBODY not like this cutesey kitty ... awwwwww!!! *i like to think that i look like this when i want something or try to be cutesey, ask mike for confirmation, heheh* 

oh jesus fucking christ. i need to take a buncha classes except that these classes are offered on the same freaking time... aahhhh!!! i need these classes:

Database Design I
CSC 449 Database Technologies (taking right now)
CSC 451 Database Design (taking in summer 1)
CSC 452 Database Programming (offered on Wednesdays in the fall)
CSC 454 Database Administration and Management (Wednedays - see the clash already!)
IS 549 Data Warehousing and Data Mining (Wednesdays - boohoo)
Database Design II
CSC 550 Object-Oriented Databases (not offered in the fall)
CSC 551 Distributed Database Systems (Mondays)
CSC 553 Advanced Database Concepts (not offered in the fall)
IS 556 Project Management (Mondays in the fall, but i wanted to take this class too, which is offered on Mondays : ECT 455 E-Commerce Web Site Engineering)

i guess my next option would be to take, like, ECT 584 Web Data Mining for Business Intelligence, on Tuesdays. cept my project work load would be ridiculous, but i duno we shall see .. maybe maybe.

you guys should help me choose ...

Program Choice

Fall Schedule

hellpp!! hellpp!!! ...

Me and my new artsy, with transition lenses, glasses .. mwahahaha!!! 

i am debating whether i should apply for another internship position because i am not quite getting the experience i want with the one i currently have. well, my boss said i will be exposed to more tech work this summer, so i suppose i should wait and be patient. but at the same time, god, i hate him sooo much! he is everything top management should not be: arrogant, despicable, and hopeless.

but whatever. i can deal. the money isnt too bad (although i could do much better but am just not sure how to go about asking for a raise). maybe i should just charge them more or something. stupid people.

bleh

i just got done reading Jennifer Government by Maxx Barry - I urge everyone to read that book. it's freakin' great. i also just got done reading the Confessor by Daniel Silva and have taken a liking to how he writes and the topic. without giving it away, it's about terrorism, the Holocaust, and the Vatican's secrets. pretty neat - two more in line by the same author are the Kill Artist and the English Assassin. same protagonist. i think one of them has something to do with Yaser Arafat. i think. hehe.

ok guys and gals: i need to pick and choose a new template and since you lot will be reading it more than i do, i think we should take some votes here.... go to this website:

Click Me!

... and in the comment below, tell me which template you like the best. this voting poll ends next weekend, so if you don't vote, and you get hypershocks from reading off off a a really wild colored site, it's your own fault and not mine.

and by the way, when voting, please indicate the template not by describing what it looks like, but by mentioning how it's set on that website.

for example: "i vote for the template that resides at position (3,2)."
read: 3 right, 2 down.

got it? (by the way, the templates can only be viewed by blogger-manias. you non bloggers can't see this page, so, very sorry, you don't get to vote, unless you tell me directly or you protest to whatever i choose, or, deal with what gets voted for)

you're all smart, i depend on you :p

i LOVE pink!!! it's NOT ugly!! 

Aww, we so cute! 

hmm...

i swear, sometimes, i am the most ungrateful person alive. it's this desire to want something to be perfect, the way i want it to be - it's the yearning to have what others want and always looking at what THEY have and wishing I had it. it's a terrible characteristic trait to possess and i wish that i didn't have it. and i don't know whether i should take it to mean that i need to work harder and make my life that much better so i will stop comparing and wishing .. or i should just wake up and realize that i have plenty and not bitch or yearn for something that i already have, but possess it so in a different way.

it's such a tough thing to do, to just read about somebody's life somewhere, and then not wish that i was living that life. i feel like i'm not living my potential here, maybe that is why i keep comparing and wishing i had more. i feel quite stagnated and quite obligated to bitch about it because it somehow keeps me going on and searching for something more. and to think about it, i don't think i have ever found a job that i was quite happy and content with. i have always had something to complain about.

- "it's too much work.."
- "it's too much strategizing.."
- "it's NOT enough work .."
- "oh wait, i really am not working .."
- "i'm not being paid for this work.."
- "i am not being given the opportunity to work with others.."
- "i have TOO much work with other incompetent people.."

ugh.

when will this neverending cycle of wishing for things other people have stop???!! and when will i find that one perfect job that will make me happy and not look elsewhere? i've realized today that i can be very loyal in a really long relationship - but i can't seem to translate that loyalty to my work place.

.. and yes, i am beginning to hate my boss and my work place. if only he would stop being such a dictator and a whiney bastard, and if only he would give me more technical work that relates to my particular needs to improve and populate this big brain of mine, then i am happy.

and to illustrate why my boss is whiney and bossy, here's an example how:

so i went to work, and he told me to email a few people for him, while he sits and dictates to me (yea, this is what my master's degree is for - being a freaking stenographer!) .. if you don't remember, my boss is quadriplegic and he uses this special headphone/microphone amplifier to make and receive phone calls. so apparently, this device isn't to his liking because people can't really hear him too well - he can hear them fine but they can barely hear him. so he asked some tech support people to help him out and order a new telephony device. fair enough - after all that is what tech support is supposed to do.

so the new device came in, and they hooked it up, had me test it and everything was fine. but when he tried it, people still couldn't hear him, and so he went and looked for his old friend who specializes in devices for disabled people, as a contact for the tech support. he emailed the tech support boss this contact person's info, and expects the entire department to drop everything to come and help him, because god forbid that people should disobey his request and put him on the back burner. so, what happened was this.

the tech support boss emailed him back, and politely said that they will put his request on a list of projects but it isn't of high priority right now because they have this PC deployment project to work on for the next couple of days. and that they will get back to him when they are done.

fair enough right?

well my almighty boss thinks that these people are discriminating him because he is disabled, and then he wrote them back an email stating that in a lot of words, beating around the bush, while not outrightly saying it. and he told me that if the boss of this tech support department won't oblige to his request, he will go directly to the CIO and complain.

OMG!!!

what is this - THIRD FUCKING GRADE??!!! jesus fucking christ!

i mean, seriously. i understand that he has a need but my gawd!!! i seriously, for an entire hour, want to punch the lights out of my boss - which would be terrible since he is already disabled, but i HATE top management so much - especially ones who think that they need to be treated differently and specially because they are disabled. you shouldn't get that kinda treatment so blatantly like that. yes, you should get a little bit more attention because you do need help with the things that other human beings take for granted, but this was just out of line. and i HATE how he calls his "beating around the bush", "strategizing" .. because it isn't. he is just so full of SHIT and it stinks ..

maybe i am just not well versed yet with the corporate/government world. maybe this is what people do - people bitch and complain and write emails like they were in third grade, fighting over who gets to play in the freaking sandbox or who gets first dibs on the candy box Missus Smith brought to class today.

now, do you understand the frustration? how i wish i was working alone in my own cubicle, and not at the foot of my stupid boss???

i noticed something uncanny about my relationship behavior today. when i was with sam, used to get told off for not listening to him during conversations, it doesnt have to be a real deep conversation, most of the times its silly daily talk, like what he wanted to eat for dinner or when i was supposed to meet up with him, or how i was supposed to do something. and what usually happened is:-

1. he would stand in front of me
2. he would then say something pertinent (but most of the time, its usually impertinent)
3. i would stare at him, nod and say i understand or i hear it, or i dont say anything
4. 10 seconds later, i would ask the same question he just answered based on some made up assumption i had in my head (and i swear, people, i DONT KNOW where they come from! perhaps from some other lifetime) and i would either receive:

a. a repetition of what he just said and nothing
b. a repetition of what he just said and a huge unbelievable stare
c. a repetition of what he just said and a scolding for not paying attention, or
d. no repetition and a LOT of scolding.

and what usually happened was that i would receive a lot of D's.

you would think that these kinds of habit and behavior would die off with one relationship but somehow it got translated to another relationship, in this case, the one now, current and present. the FUNNY part about this entire thing is that instead of the simulated situation above, what would happen is this:

1. he says something on the AIM chat screen
2. i would reply to that something, and ask him a question
3. he responds
4. 10 seconds later i would ask the same question or make up some answer that i somehow assumed to be true (same reasoning as above, no clue how this could possibly happen). i would receive:

a. a direct "read up 10 lines to what i said previously..."

thats it. hehe. this one is pretty direct. but its hilarious how the habit got translated over from a full hearing senses to a vision senses but yet still produce the same results in this cycle of habitual non-hearing, non-comprehending what i am seeing/listening to.

now mind you, this only happens with my boyfriends. i dont have this problem with other people and its really, really weird .. and kinda quirky, if you think about it. typical me.

pretty neat huh =)

someone told me the other day that i looked like i weighed 120lbs. to that person - thank you very much, and omg, are you BLIND?!! but nevertheless, that was such a great compliment, i don't care if it isn't 100% true (hehe)

needless to say, i got me a few more lbs to shed, but im hard at work. i actually went to the gym 4 out of 7 days this past weekend, which was very very good considering that i work and have class every day, so i should give myself a big pat on the back. i am not entirely sure if i should weigh myself yet any time soon because i know it doesn't just melt away like that, but man, how i wish it would .. *fantasizes*

but anyway, just wanted to drop a word or two regarding some weight issues and the hope of weight loss. i am sick and tired of thinking about it alone, silently, so i figured i should make it well known (altho, if you know me personally, you would know that i talk about being fat all the time, nobody wants to listen to me whine about it anymore..)

this week is going to be a heck lot busier than the last, i can feel it. i have two quizzes, and i think the homeworks are due some time soon, and this weekend i have a shootout thing to go to (plus some weekend bbq thing some time somewhere) .. better get my act together soon...

ooooo soo hungeeeeeee..... =(

this is why, when you live in an apartment, you cannot, absolutely not, leave grocery shopping to the very last minute .. i dont understand why im hungry though, i ate some lunch and been munching on cherries .. and cheese... i think i am missing real good food.. havent had that in a while. and by real good food, i am thinking malaysian food right now .. oh what i wouldnt do to taste that good old nasi lemak again, and the mee mamak and real good roti canai, and claypot chicken rice, and nasi dagang (mmmmm)... and all the keropok in the world, with the karipap and pisang goreng, and just, the good old normal daily food, like kangkung belacan, and those fish dishes, and the ayam percik and kurma chicken, like, REAL kurma, not the one I make coz that tastes really really bad ..

FOOOOOD!

I WANT FOOD!!

first off - congratulations, shaz, on getting a job, finally!! you deserved it especially after houding down pet for months on end, they finally realized the true star quality that you are :p let's hope you will like the job somehow... but you know, even if you don't, who cares! money is good in times like these, and you need money so you can save up and we can go down the good old memory lane in good old soggy, wet, and misty england =)

secondly ...

i would like to tell the world how lazy i am. i mean, i've always been somewhat lazy but this week, hands down, i have broken even my laziest of records (altho, i have erased those memories of laziness from years yonder, so it is possible that i have been lazier than this) .. but anyway as i was gonna say - this weekend, the first weekend that i have been unbusy *surprise, surprise*, all i have done all day today, besides showering and clamoring around the kitchen looking for food to eat(or lack thereof - haven't done groceries for over two months because of the combined sheer laziness of mike and i) is clean up the apartment from like, months ago.. the dishes in the sink needed to be done and the floor needed some mopping. so i did those. it wasn't that bad of a day out today, a little chilly, yes, but since i was overcome by such laziness, i didn't even do that. instead, what i have done was watch five movies in a row ... on cable... yes, five. i think i started the day with titan a.e at 11, to be followed by speed at about 1, then the red planet on sci fi at 3, followed by apollo 13, also on sci fi at 5, and now .. i am watching mission to mars ... i wonder what's playing after this one..

so yes, ladies and gentlemen, i am sitting on the couch with my mumu and an oversized sweatshirt, that doesn't even belong to me, staring blankly at the huge tv screen and relishing the bummingness that is me right now =) oh the greatness of not having anything to do .. i dont have homework, i dont have reading (well i do but i have done them, somehow), and i dont have to meet with projectmates....

*sigh*

wonderful! it is absolutely wonderful, and i am lovin it!

i finally caught up with one of my old mates from limehurst high in merry ole england and when asked if he remembered who i was, he said "... of course! you were that cool, popular girl!"

hehe

how dya figure? this guy, someone i haven't spoken to in like, over a decade, remembers me for being the "cool, popular girl" in our middle school! how freaking awesome is that .. talk about ego boosters. it made my day - totally! and made me remember who i am and what i used to be and it makes me want to shake myself off off this dirty, depressiveness that has clung onto me. no more, i say! no more men making me feel like a total wimp, no more loved ones telling me im not good enough or not cool enough or not this and that enough, no more people randomly saying that i can't make it in this world because im not of a certain "type". no more! i need to realize how lucky i am to be here, riding on free scholarship money and making the most of my life. i need to realize how difficult life is for other people who aren't presented with opportunities such as the one i am living.

i am living it everybody!

i was (and am) that cool and popular girl!!

on a somewhat upsetting note, the travesty of the american idol results tonight - just have one thing to say - no wonder the entire genre of "pop" has gone to shiat .. when you vote to let cute but untalented jasmine to stay on and cast off amazing singing latoya. i just dont get it, america, what the hell??!!?

wow .. i actually haven't updated this shiat in a lot more than couple of days, like everything else, the appeal has seemed to diminish, THAT and for the lack of dramatic stories to tell of, obviously. i don't particularly care for telling the world how i spent my last weekend holed up at school with my team mates, drawing diagrams and scrutinixing and analyzing this unbelievably crappy system .. but heck, i'm sure i coulda dramatized that if i wanted to - but i decided to spare y'all from it.

anyway, it seems like the bf won't know about this whole "job" thing until late summer and our landlord already wants to know if we want to secure this apartment or not, and will leave the rates at this current rent rate. i hope the landlord is swayable and flexible, maybe hopefully he can charm the landlord to giving us a special time to decide. or something. i dont really understand why we needed to decide now anyways, the lease doesn't end until end of august. that's months away!

i need new shoes for work. come summer time when it gets super hot and i get to go to work and then walk 2 miles to school, i will need to wear something that isn't boots. because it will be hot and sweaty and gross .. i didn't expect this internship to last this freaking long. it's almost like it's my normal job now, likened to those lab consultant jobs i had from yonder years. i'm going to be given "facetime" apparently, this summer with the top notch players, so they can fix me up with a job, i suppose. who knows. i hope someone can get me a nice job somewhere. it would be nice to make some money of my own and watch it grow. *dreams*

that's not for another year. will dream more later.

i find it funny when people ask me to movies that i have seen, like, a million years ago. examples cited are:

- eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (i saw it on opening day and have been ranting and raving about it, and only NOW somoene wants to see it? wat gives?)
- kill bill2 (erm, do i NEED to even go there?)
- pieces of april (old news)
- big fish (are you KIDDING me?)

like, dude .. get with it! :p hehe

*bleh*

i don't get it. i go to the gym almost every day, i work out, i lift weights, and i am still NOT losing weight, in fact i swear i think i'm GAINING damn weight! it's so fucking annoying how that works, it makes me want to quit and be a vegetable and put on weight as much as it can go because there is no point in doing it anyways, coz i don't seem to lose any freaking thing.

this happened last time too, like, before sam and i broke up. junior year i went to the gym almost every day too, and i didn't lose weight. i'm telling you - the only time i really ever lost weight drastically was that summer onwards till mid senior year, during that whole "spanish inquisition" period. maybe i need to be super duper depressed, but i don't think it would work the same thing time, if it happens. i think it needs to go from super duper blissfully happy to like, random shock that will shake my world, drown in horrible, dank depression. certain elements are missing this time - but perhaps it can still produce the same results... hmmm....

but anyway, maybe the damned lifting weights are making me put on weight .. but i like lifting weights, it feels like i'm actually doing something to the muscles, like, my arms are still freaking sore from last friday when i did random shit to it. oh well, maybe i just gotta starve myself to death.

have you guys seen that recent gap commercial, where the girl twirls around in like, ten different skirts?

well, i wanna look like THAT!

can i enter the swan competition and have them plastic surgeon turn me into that gorgeous model?

wanna hear something kinda funny?

my brother has gone from girl to girl to girl, and he has spanned the globe on this one. he has dated from the typical malay girl, to the more liberal-minded, modern malay girl, to the older-in-law-school chinese girl, and NOW, he is dating the hot-body-indian girl that he found while he was at national service camp (aka boot camp!) it's UNBELIEVABLE!! i am SO proud of him =) way to go little brother!! now all i gotta do is get my sister to span the globe too ... he has had a lot of chances, so many guys have wanted her, but she has always rejected them .. sister is very very picky - she is a LOT pickier than i am, and for that, i have been put to shame .. i love watching or rather, hearing about the growth of my siblings .. i wish i was there to see them sprout from youth to young adults. i have missed a pretty good chunk of time with them, and crave to be with them at this stage of life - the young adulthood. the choices they have to make, the things that i have already been through and would love to share with them, i almost wish that i was there for the entire cycle, but had i been there, i wouldn't be here, and that would have been somewhat uncool ..

my brother got accepted into the technology university of malaysia *UTM* for some architecture diploma/degree. i think he's waiting for the international islamic university *UIA* results too.. it's going to be interesting to see how he will fare in this whole entire being in the university thing .. it's just so unreal - my little brother, going to uni???? aahhh!!!!

http://www.mayland.com.my/properties.html#
*click on Royal Domain, Sri Putramas II ..
this, my friends, is going to be MY condo! when i go home, or if i go home, i am going to live in this freaking awesome condo! my mom said i can pick watever condo i want, and i want THIS ONE!!
oo yeaa ... sexxxyyy .. i will probably have to like, save up alot to buy some really cool furnitures too, but thats fine .. since i'm getting some money from some people and i already have like, 10k in my savings somewhere back home, plus some money that i can make from here to bring home, oh-my-lord! just LOOK at that beaut!