hmm...

i swear, sometimes, i am the most ungrateful person alive. it's this desire to want something to be perfect, the way i want it to be - it's the yearning to have what others want and always looking at what THEY have and wishing I had it. it's a terrible characteristic trait to possess and i wish that i didn't have it. and i don't know whether i should take it to mean that i need to work harder and make my life that much better so i will stop comparing and wishing .. or i should just wake up and realize that i have plenty and not bitch or yearn for something that i already have, but possess it so in a different way.

it's such a tough thing to do, to just read about somebody's life somewhere, and then not wish that i was living that life. i feel like i'm not living my potential here, maybe that is why i keep comparing and wishing i had more. i feel quite stagnated and quite obligated to bitch about it because it somehow keeps me going on and searching for something more. and to think about it, i don't think i have ever found a job that i was quite happy and content with. i have always had something to complain about.

- "it's too much work.."
- "it's too much strategizing.."
- "it's NOT enough work .."
- "oh wait, i really am not working .."
- "i'm not being paid for this work.."
- "i am not being given the opportunity to work with others.."
- "i have TOO much work with other incompetent people.."

ugh.

when will this neverending cycle of wishing for things other people have stop???!! and when will i find that one perfect job that will make me happy and not look elsewhere? i've realized today that i can be very loyal in a really long relationship - but i can't seem to translate that loyalty to my work place.

.. and yes, i am beginning to hate my boss and my work place. if only he would stop being such a dictator and a whiney bastard, and if only he would give me more technical work that relates to my particular needs to improve and populate this big brain of mine, then i am happy.

and to illustrate why my boss is whiney and bossy, here's an example how:

so i went to work, and he told me to email a few people for him, while he sits and dictates to me (yea, this is what my master's degree is for - being a freaking stenographer!) .. if you don't remember, my boss is quadriplegic and he uses this special headphone/microphone amplifier to make and receive phone calls. so apparently, this device isn't to his liking because people can't really hear him too well - he can hear them fine but they can barely hear him. so he asked some tech support people to help him out and order a new telephony device. fair enough - after all that is what tech support is supposed to do.

so the new device came in, and they hooked it up, had me test it and everything was fine. but when he tried it, people still couldn't hear him, and so he went and looked for his old friend who specializes in devices for disabled people, as a contact for the tech support. he emailed the tech support boss this contact person's info, and expects the entire department to drop everything to come and help him, because god forbid that people should disobey his request and put him on the back burner. so, what happened was this.

the tech support boss emailed him back, and politely said that they will put his request on a list of projects but it isn't of high priority right now because they have this PC deployment project to work on for the next couple of days. and that they will get back to him when they are done.

fair enough right?

well my almighty boss thinks that these people are discriminating him because he is disabled, and then he wrote them back an email stating that in a lot of words, beating around the bush, while not outrightly saying it. and he told me that if the boss of this tech support department won't oblige to his request, he will go directly to the CIO and complain.

OMG!!!

what is this - THIRD FUCKING GRADE??!!! jesus fucking christ!

i mean, seriously. i understand that he has a need but my gawd!!! i seriously, for an entire hour, want to punch the lights out of my boss - which would be terrible since he is already disabled, but i HATE top management so much - especially ones who think that they need to be treated differently and specially because they are disabled. you shouldn't get that kinda treatment so blatantly like that. yes, you should get a little bit more attention because you do need help with the things that other human beings take for granted, but this was just out of line. and i HATE how he calls his "beating around the bush", "strategizing" .. because it isn't. he is just so full of SHIT and it stinks ..

maybe i am just not well versed yet with the corporate/government world. maybe this is what people do - people bitch and complain and write emails like they were in third grade, fighting over who gets to play in the freaking sandbox or who gets first dibs on the candy box Missus Smith brought to class today.

now, do you understand the frustration? how i wish i was working alone in my own cubicle, and not at the foot of my stupid boss???