its funny how everything in your life, the pieces of puzzle that got jumbled up in the makings of you, gets put together with one particular life decision. that is why, when that one particular life decision isnt quite working one one way or the other, it makes one neurotic freak, such as myself, go berserk for fear of not knowing what might happen. what if i choose the wrong deciding piece? what if the piece doesnt really fit, no matter how hard i try to make it work in the puzzle? what if .... i might regret it? or what if the puzzle piece really doesnt want to be there, and would rather be left alone?

my aunt told me that i should always listen to my mom.

im BAACCKKK!! =)

i just flew into midway airport after a long weekend with the cuz and auntie/uncle down in beaver creek, OH. love their house, LOVE the neighborhood (tara falls). the houses were all made of wonderfully expensive bricks, with a lake or two in the middle, and it just feels super high class. but i dont envy them. i have so much more to be more grateful of. for instance, the fact that i have two kitties in my life =)

but anyway, since friday, i have been eating good home made malaysian food, cooked especially by my uncle, who slaved day in and day out in the kitchen to make sure that i eat good. and my god, his satay was soooo much better than even the ones back home, i think he can really make bank if he opened up his own satay restaurant (not that he really needs the money, hes already a heart surgeon!) but dude, it was so fucking 'lish .. mmm

spent the weekend running around from suburb mall to suburb mall. managed to watch bridget jones: the edge of reason (hilarious), and watched four dvds, three of which ive seen already. talked about dysfunctional extended relatives, met cousins' boyfriend and girlfriend, had hairdo done by youngest cousin, and visited another aunt's apartment. it was cool all in all, love being with family, even tho theyre not really mine. but good enough, my aunt looks like mom anyways, so ...

oh, while i was there, went through some old fotos and found baby pictures of yours truly! am quite cute as a child, even tho according to a loved one, i looked like a baby boy *sob sob* oh puhleez, if you lived in a country that was 90degrees 24x7 with 100% humidity, youd WANT to keep your hair boy-short!

im itching to write in my journal but i dont have it here. so i have to wait for yet another day before doing do. *sigh*

*burrrppppppp*

wooops, -xcuseeee mee .... =) man, thanksgiving dinner was really excellent, i felt very very sleepy right afterwards. mikes dad makes a mean turkey dinner... yum!

tomorrow i go to dayton to see my cousins.

ugh sooo lazy!

one more final paper to complete by the end of today and all i can think about is the warm bed at home, where my kitties are sleeping on, with my baby boy.... oreo really likes that bed - he cant get enough of it. they would both KNOW when we are going to bed (or when I was going to bed), and follow me in. oreo would immediately jump in with me, and then tux would follow suit, and THEN they turned the bed into a wrestling ground. theyre unbelievable! but eventually the both of them calmed down, oreo plonked himself in between mike and i, while tux settled nicely under mikes hairy armpits, and chewed on it too!

*yawn*
i need to get better sleep. since i got these kitties, i havent been able to sleep properly - they take up all the space in bed, and then they wont stop wrestling with each other.

I got a JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Allstate called me this morning and offered me a job!! You are looking at a brand new addition to the Allstate Financial Technology group, and I will become a systems analyst! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!

OMG!!!!

MY KITTENS PICTURES!!! (meet Oreo and Tuxedo)

cant believe i woke up at 530am! and .. five hours and counting ... oreo and tuxedo, here they come!

hehehehe!! *giggles*

i went to petsmart and spent $200 on cat stuff!!! =) got all the necessities: science diet kitten food, kitten litter, litter pan and liner, scoppy thingies to scoop their tiny little poopies out, and five or six different kind of pet toys, a scratching post, bowls and tray for their dining set and ... err... something else but i forgot what... i CANNOT WAIT!!! in two days, i will own TWO KITTIES!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! i will post links to some of their pictures on here later on .. awwwwww *kitty, kitty*

well ... today i wish i looked like this:
pretty girl #1

or this:
pretty girl #2

or this:
pretty girl #3

or this:
pretty girl #4

or even asian looking like this one (and you KNOW how much i hate asian looks, hence the self criticism):
pretty girl #5

sigh, alas... i have to settle looking like a pile of crap.

oooh .. oooh .. and teh fasha is high and strung on fever, with her bones aching, feeling as if they were crushed over and over again by a huge bone-crushing bulldozer.. *dies*

did not think i would be this sick especially since i havent been sick in a long time, but i guess one can only be so strong. went to bed last night with a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach and a terrible taste in the back of my throat. forcibly down water, which might have been somewhat contaminated (not sure how but it tasted like crap), and was in pain all night long. the thought would be either the bad tuna-mayo sandwich i had will come out top, or out bottom, and thank god it came out from neither orifice. woke up this morning with a cringe in the neck, and a stomach that felt like it was excavated from inside out. simply put - ghastly.

got to work, coworker said "dayum, you look like crap - your eyes showed that you must have been challenged by some kinda bug", thanked him for being ever so blunt. but by that time, have already felt sorry for myself, and was wondering what the heck i was doing at work. thats ok, braved on through the morning - went for a free massage out in the lobby of school, only to feel worse than when i started (the masseuse must have released bad toxins into my body or sth, with the strenuous massaging that she did to my crimped up neck). lo and behold - the tingly feelings in my bones got worse, and then it felt like i was bruised all over from the inside, and the untangling of my hair felt like a nail being hammered into my skull. it was then that i was assured that i was not at all well, went to my boss, told her what i felt, and she sent me home.

got home, took a nap on my most uncomfortable bed, feeling very cold and yet also very hot at the same time. took my temperature later on, to find out that i was running a 100.4 degree temperature (oh poor me)

now, i wonder how long this fever/flu will last because i have yet another interview with allstate on thursday (one hr lady called to say another manager is interested in talking to me). ugh. why cant they decide already?

i really should be last minute studying for the final that is coming up in, oooh, about half an hour, but cant be arsed. lazy, and not motivated at all! its the single most awful experience about being a student - the burned out part.

in any case, mike showed me pictures of kittens that are up for adoption from one of his friend's clients. and oh my freaking gawd, they are CUTE AS BLOODY HELL! three little munchkins, each three weeks old, two males and one female, and one with undyingly cute little moles on either side of his/her nose (it might not be called moles, but they're black little dots that look oh-so freaking cute in his/her black and white fur coat!) AND, mike says i can adopt one! wooooo!!! i think we are going down to aurora this weekend to play and pick one up, and i am already in love with these kitties! and we picked out a name already for the male (which is apparently cuddlier and more playful), his name will be oreo =) hehe, i know, i know, how unoriginal and cheesy .... but it was better than 'skittles' .. ode to tia's and demarcus' non-existant doggie =)

but yay!

KITTY in SIX day!!!!!

went to have sunday brunch with a bunch of mike's friends out in glendale heights. met sebastian tyler carillo for the first time, turning 2 months this wednesday. he was completely and utterly cute. i llloooovvveeee new born babies!! their smell, the way they move, the way their eyes are always half droopy, and the way that they grab on to everything they see ... omg, i want one!!! soooo cuuuteeee ...

so anyways, saw jorges new townhouse, and then andrews house in carol streams .... met this huge husky next door, so beautiful! and then ate at red apple. good brunch food.

went to see local h and finger 11 play at the house of blues. local h was actually really, really good. i like them.

selamat hari raya, maaf zahir & batin to all that celebrate!

omg!
browsed through some blogs and found some guy whose name is 'Allah'. not that this would make any sense to you if you dont know half the islamic world, but anybody who vaguely lives outside of their own reality (how do you translate 'katak bawah tempurung'?) oughta know that the Islamic God is named Allah (one of Her many names). i find it somewhat sardonically hilarious.

been having interesting talks about religions around the world lately. i have never met a true practising buddhist before (did you know they called praying, chanting?) and met one today. soon, i shall meet a wiccan follower too, which is one step closer to finding one who believes in satanism. i think, if and when that day happens, i will have my tape recorder with me. it has to be interesting, what a satanism follower has to say about religion and their god. so i now know: hinduists, buddhists, wiccan-ist (is that what theyre called) and i think i met a zionist once, just cant remember who it was.

bought my flight tickets to dayton for thanksgiving. will be convening with the faraway relatives. cant wait to eat the good malay food, thanks to my uncle. i should be writing down the recipes so i can bring some of that taste home. altho, good luck trying to find half the ingredients. i need to be more resourceful in that area. but am too lazy. give up too easily, and since the effort almost always goes unappreciated, figures i wont bother. altho, lately been having cravings. to cook. yeaa.. i know... =/

rekindled friendship with some far away friend in west virginia. he is the same as he was. cynical and sarcastic. said he would come down here if i found him a date to hang out with. funny, i got the same request from my own brother. do they think i run a brothel or something?

last day of the 'nontraditional student week' tomorrow. cant wait for that to end, and then, on to worse things. the nightmares of a failed ecommerce website project work -- almost a reality. *wish me luck*

damn mother fucking lady foot locker!
bought a pair of track pants yesterday for $25 only to find out that it went on sale efor $9.99 today! so what i am going to do is buy the now-on-sale trackpants for $9.99 and return the $25 ones tomorrow. ugh. they couldnt pick a better day to make the damned sale price point.

thats ok. i can deal with this.

on the brink of uncertainties, yet again. and frankly speaking, not entirely sure why uncertainties should even exist, but feeling it anyway. lack of self-definition or lack of wanting certain person to 'self-define-self' could be the case, but there is more to that. or is there? could one just feel uncertainties on a bad day? or is there a deeper, more rooted cause of it all? there is so much in this world that doesnt belong to yours truly. yearning for freedom or to be reborn again. self loathing always on the brink of the horizon, on the brink of breaking one down.

all in all .. the day, though still young, has already brought on multitudes of despair. with the amassing academia, rushing towards in a deluge of paperstacks and codes that are unbreakable, finding self drowning in it all. with anxiety and anticipation, still waiting for the one news that could make, or break this worthless life in this tiny pinpricked world. with frustration and distrust, await for the uncertainties to be broken down and defeated.

bad days are stressful on one peacekeeper. but is peace what one should keep?

oh my gawd.
i think its time to start puking out everything that i eat because i sure could use to lose.. like, 50lbs! just took a look at some recent pix (well from july and since then havent really taken any more pictures for fear of the breaking the camera) and they look awfully nastified. like, really really bad .. eugh. alrite, the plan is to lose and shed as much by next june, when the family comes over for second time graduation party. it MUST be done, because if it isnt, who knows how much bigger i will bloat to. and, i need to start taking pictures again so i can look at the resulting self-made portrait. picture-taking has its good and bad. the good is that you can use it to decisively realize that you need to do something about the fuckton of weight that youve gained.

still, wish my face wasnt filled with fat. the chipmunky look is only cute up till a certain point. from then on, its all down hill.

in any case, will find out from allstate their yay or nay. will keep you updated.

i dont know if ive ever told you this, but i really like my new boss. she has definitely made me think of things that i would never think about, be it simple things that involve raising families, to topics and issues regarding politics. and being that we are constantly talking about adult students and how to advocate for them on campus, and being that she is a director, i suppose one of her responsibilities is to make me more aware of issues surrounding adult students. and i suppose by doing that, she is helping me reaching a more "adult" level of thinking (now, i REALIZE that certain people will chuckle reading this, because i have the tendency to NOT want to grow up when it comes to relationships, but thats the only portion of life i seem to not be able to become 'old' at....) but lisa, and katrina, both have very very good points of views regarding life, politics, spirituality, socialization .. things that matter, and things that grow me.

one of the topics discussed so far have been how, in light on the presidential election, that this country, this so called power-house, will be going backwards into the dark ages, and that we liberals should fear and should not underestimate the powers of stupid people in large groups. its alarming because i dont want to trade one type of oppression with another. the whole idea of living in this so called freedom-country is to HAVE freedom. but alas ...

the other thing that makes me really like my new boss is the fact that she tells me things regarding child rearing. i mean, its not like shes trying to insinuate things one way or the other, but it helps to know. i mean, little things that i dont think about, like, what to do with your kids when they get done from school in the afternoon .. who picks them up, where do they go afterwards, ie, institutionalized daycare or a home daycare .. and what about where should they go for school? private or public schools, and why, or why not? its weird to think about someone else besides yourself, to be completely responsible for that person until they reach the age of 18. i mean .. wow, there is SOO much that you are responsible for, i wonder if i am going to be ready or if i will be up for it! scary ...

im sure tho, i will marry a very able husband, who will be a very able father. at least, i suspect so ..

its all over. the americans have chosen bush, Satan in disguise of holiness, to be their leader.

a rather large mammoth-sized twat, who seems to believe that i am insanely idiotic, has gotten engaged. and to him, i say "good luck raising a FEW other large mammoth-like dickheads just like yourself" admittedly, i am quite intrigued by this change of events. given the track record of the mammoth and his gf, it was deemed quite unhealthy for them to be together forever (at least according to some peeps) but whatever. if he lived a nasty and unhappy life, it would serve him right for believing what he thought of me. nobody of that size should have an opinion of me. not especially if that person's own personality and so called 'characteristic' is heavily in question.

its been quite a few dreary days. enough to make anybody depressed, which, much to my annoyance, i was one of those that was affected. it was a rather pleasant day up until a certain situation happened, and i was completely put off afterwards. depressed is probably slightly exaggerated, but its a good word to describe the anxiety-feeling and the wanting to hide from every possible living thing. today, will try to live life in a more optimistic manner. must not succumb to the excess depression that is already surrounding me by the multitude of people that i deal with every day, and must not forget that the world is only as bright as you make it be.

but heck, who am i kidding.... nothing ever goes according to plan

this weekend turned out to be pretty fucking awesome! i did many things that i had wanted to do for a loong, loonng time, and since i did them all this weekend, i think i deserve many many pats of my back ... *pat, pat, pat*.... to start the weekend off, i paid ALL of my outstanding credit card balances (which was A LOT, so i am MIGHTY psyched that i dont have to deal with the 22% APR anymore!) .. and then i took my baby out to a great seafood dinner and went to watch a movie that ive been DYING to see ... the saturday was spend partying and clubbing at my favorite hangout from years ago aka roscoes (i LOVE gay men! they are sooooo much fun!) and let me tell you -- them boys there are absolutely GORGEOUS, they put me to shame because they look waaay better than i ever would in a mini skirt.. and yesterday went to spend a less wild time with the boy's parents and ate good lasagna .. mm

this week's goals are:

1. to finish up the outstanding homeworks and readings
2. to figure out what to do this coming weekend (i feel as if theres something coming down my way but im not sure)
3. to wait patiently to find out if i get the job or not with allstate.. eeks, i am going to be VERY disappointed if i dont .. cryy

ok so ... tomorrow is election day .. itd be fun to see what happens ...