hmm... i just watched "pieces of april" and it's very humbling to watch something that is as great as that movie - that's twice now that i have been touched by the simplest of feelings and yet also the most complicated of them all - LOVE.. the other time i was deeply touched about love feelings was when i watched "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" ..

i won't ruin the movies for any of you who haven't seen either, but it suffices to say that they are on the top of my list of great movies of this time (i cannot claim that they are the greatest movies of all time because all time isn't up yet for me)

love is quite an interesting feeling .. if you evaluate love, and think up of all the ways you can experience it, yearn to experience it, you can potentially spend an entire lifetime analyzing and dwelling about it. love is something that i grow weary thinking about every day, yet yearn to keep because it feels comfortable and it feels safe, and once in a while, it feels fiery and passionate, and when those times happen, i want to capture those love feelings in a bottle and treasure and cherish them from the outside every time i think i might forget what those feelings are .. love also reminds me of home, of hot meals and warm hugs from my mom and hearty laughters between siblings.. it's hard to feel comfortable and cosy in this world nowadays, when support structure, especially for me, isn't around anymore .. my buffer zone has been haphazardously been removed and when i think it's there, it almost always sneakily leaves me hanging ..

why does that happen?

now, why can't love just stay constant and permanent? why can't my comfort/buffer zone stay the way it used to be? why are things always moving and changing constantly?

yes yes, people change, people move, people grow up and experience changes in their different lifestyles .. but in that changing and moving and growing up - shouldn't we be allowed to bring with us those loving feelings, as GOOD love feelings, and NOT as baggage? instead, what i am presented with are "baggages" .. some are mine, some belong to others around me .. and each of those experiences, and baggages somehow get STUCK on me and it changes MY already fucked up world ..

yea i suppose i can confine myself and not interact with others around me so as not to be presented with negativities, but even in confinement, i can imagine, i can think .. and my imagination and thoughts almost always go to bad and sad places ... at least these past few years they have ..

i can't think of the last time i was truly blissfully happy .. completely care free, oblivious to pain and sadness, and my life was so much simpler back then .. back when i had nothing to carry, not even my own baggages, and certainly none of other people around me ..

and now ... NOW i am presented with baggages every single day, and i have too much of them that don't even belong to me, and i am seriously running out of storage!

*sigh*

give me happiness goddamnit!

got this from Sam (am applying it to my own disclaimer):

*******
DISCLAIMER:
I am not asking for your opinion. Just because this website is online doesn't automatically give you the right to judge a person. This page is for nobody but myself. I know it's contradictory to put it online, but then again that's my right. I'm putting it online because I want to. Don't read it if you don't like the content. No I don't believe in constructive criticism. So don't offer me any. If you feel the need to offer me some advice, fine. Do so in a polite manner. I don't have to take your shit. I don't even know you. I don't care if you think my life is pathetic or this website is a useless waste of time, so don't even bother telling me.

And if you're someone I know, then you shouldn't really be here. Don't get pissed if I bitch about you then. If you happen to stumble upon this page, please don't pass around the URL, it's a private page. I won't take any responsability for any hurt feelings.

**********

aight, i'm sorry i aired some dirty laundry on here, but i was venting and i had to do it .. sorry if anybody for any reason got offended.

*****

now that THAT disclaimer is over and done with, can i just share a thought or two about blogging.

have you realized how a lot of bloggers-addict tend to use this blogging hobby of theirs to whine, complain, and vent about their lives? everytime something bad happens, everytime something messes up with the way they view their lives, it gets blogged .. and when there is something good to write about, somehow that gets overlooked and skipped (and i'm not talking about joyous, significant, life-changing events like getting married or moving into a new house, or graduating, coz those are special happy occasions), i'm talking about the simple, honest-to-goodness moments of happiness... NONE! there is ALWAYS something to complain about, something to improve on, something to bitch/piss about, and it's pretty fucking sad!

the concept is eeriely similar to our faith, at least in my view of what religion and faith is.. people talk to God when they're in trouble, they complain to God or refer to their holy books when they need help. very rarely do i see or hear people talk to God or refer to the holy book when they are simply, normally, happy (but now we get to the point where we need to bring in the term "simple happiness", but let's use the non-life-changing-happiness-event and pretend that every human being on this earth IS capable of simple happiness and CAN indeed smile at the simplest of things)... now, i think it's interesting how a lot of people have turned to these blogs and simply pour out their hearts, to complain and contemplate, and to use the blogs as a sounding-board of some sort .. in place of God or the reference to a holy book. and for us atheists or agnostics who don't believe in one holy book, or simply just don't believe in a higher power altogether - do you notice how the blogging activity can be considered as "talking to God" (of the internet board obviously, but you are still somewhat enslaved by it, writing in daily or weekly, or however often you visit the blog - and this extends to not only blogs but also forum boards because there are atheists and agnostics out there who are afraid to start blogs but aren't afraid to frequent discussion boards and forums and vent out there instead)

i'm not saying that it's a direct analogy per say .. in fact i could totally be wrong and there ARE bloggers out there who DO write honest-to-goodness simple happy facts about their lives, but i don't read blogs that are happy - i only read whiners and complainers coz those make better candidates to compare my own pathetic and sad life to ...

but as i was getting my point across (or i think i am, at least i'm sorta kinda going in some direction)...

blogging is like praying ..

-you do it pretty much the same time every day or every week you update the blog (for the most part)
-you whine and complain and vent, and hope that somehow some way, that all the whinings and venting can make you feel better
-there is centralized server thing that keeps track of all the venting bloggers do and if you have one of those commenting things on your blog, people reading can write back to you and you get feedback (God does it in freakish ways sometimes to answer to your prayers, but you see the pattern here?)
-bloggers very rarely blog when they are happy

pretty interesting stuff huh?

of course none of the things i've said are my own expressed opinions only
i just view things in a really skewered sorta way

but i think the most humbling thing about this is this:

that no matter what religion you are, or if you aren't religious, or if you are semi-religious, blogging makes you feel like you are talking to something/someone that matters (or you wouldn't be blogging) and even though that something or someone doesn't say anything back to you, you do it anyway because it makes you feel better in a scary, pathetic, internet kinda way, and that dependency to vent, even tho to an inanimate object, is just something all humans do.

we need something to depend on, to vent to, to complain to, to move along in this tiny, crappy world that we live in.

we just do it in different ways..

......... ok, NOW you can shoot me for talking garbage =)

btw .. blogs came from weblogs .. i just read that just now

i give up - i hate my life .. every time i'm on the verge of something great, something awesome, something that may change the course of my life, i get brutally dumped on the bottom of the sharp-edged rocks on the bottom of the fucking ocean! how cruel can life be - to be tempted by the sweetness of an "almost-freedom", to be given the opportunity to live in this land of the "free", to be handed over the green-card that will allow me to stay in this country and work as hard as every other hard working corporate Americans, if not harder - only to wake up this morning and receive a "NO" phone call by the company i have fallen in love with, and to make things even MORE frustrating - it's not because they don't love me; it's not because they don't think i can make an excellent contribution to their corporate culture ..

why-o-why ...

and to top that off, my not-very-supportive, all-for-bans-on-international-workers-in-the-interest-of-himself was not (surprise, surprise) very supportive .. and i know i shouldn't have brought up the delicate matter of M, but i was depressed and stressed out, and desperateness overcomes common sense - i laid the trap of marriage and of course was very humiliated and disappointed with the outcome and response ..

"no, im not sure"
"i'm sorry, but i don't want to get buyer's remorse"
"i cannot be 100% sure if this is what i want"
"things are going pretty great, but i don't know if i want this permanently"

KILL ME ALREADY!

now, on top of the depressiveness that wallowed me up on this already crappy monday-blues, i had my boyfriend to thank for, for humiliating me, but ultimately it was my own fault of laying out the trap, and catching myself in it.. =/ i know i can't expect my almost-2-year boyfriend to think other than what he always does, but i thought things were looking up and that there may be some promise over that horizon ..

but once again, i am deluded ... about my job, about my relationship, about my life, pretty much about goddamn everything .. you see why i called myself a 'surrealist-idealist'? i don't belong here, this world isn't mine!!! oh save me, the One who belongs with me ..

and so after a trying morning, i walked out to the bank to deposit my pathetic, measly $200 into my bank account, all the way crying to my one support system - one i can trust will be there to always listen and give the right responses .. and it breaks my heart that that support system isn't my boyfriend - i've always been one to want the other half to be everything in my life, but alas, that doesn't happen in this world we live in - so i turned to my best friend of 7 years ...

thank you sam .. i love you always =) you didn't fix the situation for me, but you made it easier to cope with .. the disappointment, the horrors, the horrible time i have had to contend with .. thank you ..

*sleepsintears*

have you realized how treacherous this "blogging" fad is? here we are, trying to pour out our deepest, dankest secrets, for god knows how many millions, billions of people with nothing better to do but read about the lamest things some poor dude did today .. *sigh* what has this world come to? it's pretty pathetic how i have come to this gathering of "bloggers" (who the heck came up with the name anyways?) to tell my story and then reread it to see how lame my life has become ..

and have you realized the color-scheme on yours truly's? wanna know why i picked it? it's because I NEED A FUCKING GREEN CARD!!!! i have decided that maybe, just maybe, if i made the damned site green, it will give me hope (altho all it's doing right now is depressing me since i don't ever think i'm gonna get one of those) .. why can't they just hand the green cards over to hardworking and ever-hopeful person like me? i mean, seriously, can't they tell that i am going to make my contribution to this country as much as the next citizen sitting on the el next to me? if not more probably, considering all the shit i had to get through to bear with this forsaken place .. and why do i even bother half the time?

what the INS dept (or BIS, or watever the fuck they are called these days) need to do is recognize my hardwork, gimme a praise worthy of plaquing-or-two, and hand me over the green card (i wonder if it's really a card, and if it's really green) and say "welcome to the land of the free, now work your hard ass off!"

*hopes*

omg - i can't believe i've succumbed to this "fad" ... all sam's fault!